Privateers
by Arty B. Good
Summary: It is the age of sail with 2x4 tech. War has broken out and the KND take to the uncharted and dangerous open seas in this AU. The captains of the Mad Monday and the Yippernicus invite you on board as they cause all sorts of trouble.
1. Letters & Clippings

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = This is a scene divider. There will sometimes be things in these scene dividers. They might strike your fancy. = = = _

**King Of Autumnopolis Shot!**

His Majesty the King of Autumnopolis was shot yesterday during peace talks between all the countries of the world. The King was rushed to the hospital and was declared in stable, but fragile condition. Investigators have not released any statement regarding the would-be assassin or the weapon, but have detained the rest of the leaders for questioning. When asked for a statement, the Emperor of Wintersdom said that there was no way he or any of his retinue would ever harm the King and that "…those whippersnappers from Spingsthesia could have done it." The Springsthesia officials deny any wrongdoing and…

_

* * *

The honor of your presence _

_is requested at the marriage of_

_Thaddeus Payne & Francine Fulbright_

_On the 7th of May_

_XXXX_

_At ten 'o clock in the morning_

**

* * *

Springthesia Officials Framed**

In an unprecedented turn of events, the President of Springsthesia and his ambassadors were accused of shooting the King of Autumnopolis. "The gumwad was found near His Majesty's heart," an investigator said. "The evidence is clear: Springsthesia is guilty." While Springsthesia officials are always armed and were armed during the peace talks, they deny having weapons that used gum.

"We are being framed," one official says. "There are people out there who are seeking to deface the image of Springsthesia. They have a hidden agenda and they will stop at nothing. But Springsthesia will not be pushed around."

* * *

April 3, XXXX

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Beatles,

We regret to inform you that for the reasons stated below, your son, Wallabee Beatles, is no longer welcome at Titus Academy. Please note that we are expecting you to pay the damages that he has acquired during his stay with us and that we are also due in court two weeks from now. Our lawyers will be contacting yours…

**

* * *

WAR!**

After decades of an uneasy peace between Autumnopolis and Springsthesia, the Prime Minister of Autumnopolis has declared war. The Prime Minister could not be reached for a comment, but when asked for an opinion, the Presidential Speaker of Springsthesia said that it was a shame that Autumnopolis would declare war with no good reason, and that "if it is a fight they want, it's a fight they'll get."

_

* * *

You are cordially invited_

_to the marriage of_

_Nigel Uno & Elizabeth Devine_

_On the 30__th__ of April_

_XXXX_

_At twelve 'o clock noon_

* * *

April 16, XXXX

Dear Nigel,

Have you been reading the papers lately? Awful isn't it? I've decided to help any way I can and so I signed up for the Navy! I wanted to get onto the Yippernicus, but they put me onto the Mad Monday instead. Who's ever head of the Mad Monday?

I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding. I'll have to ship out before then. I'm sure you'll be able to get another bridesmaid in time, right? She won't give a good a speech as I will, but that's okay.

Good luck from your cousin,

Eva Roberts

**

* * *

Conflicting Evidence In Peace Talks Shooting**

New evidence has been uncovered by Investigators involved in the Peace Talk case. Investigators analyzed the gum wad found near the King of Autumnopolis's heart and found traces of denture cream. "It's astounding," one detective said. "No one from Springsthesia uses denture cream. They couldn't have chewed that gum wad. They couldn't have shot it at the King."

Springsthesia officials are reveling in their vindication. "We're trying to open up peace talks with Autumnopolis," the Presidential speaker said. "We're not responsible for the shooting, so we shouldn't be at war."

**

* * *

Peace Talks Unsuccessful**

Springsthesia Ambassador Infinity reported that there was no reasoning with Autumnopolis. There will still be a war between the two countries. "They are adamant," Ambassador Infinity said. "Hopefully, this conflict will end before too much has been lost."

* * *

April 19, XXXX

To Captain Nigel Uno,

You have been called upon by the President of Springsthesia to lend your expertise to the crew of the KND _Yippernicus_. Please report to the docks with your papers by the end of the month.

* * *

April 25, XXXX

Ship Inspection Report #403

Ship Inspector: #65.3 Herbert Baker

The KND Mad Monday is hereby declared shipshape and ready for duty. Her captain has reported to be of sound mind and body and has opened up the roster for volunteers. The cook, gunner and surgeon are stocking the ship appropriately for her purpose. The ship is clean and devoid of the frivolous decorations that I expected her crew to cover her in. It's probably thanks to the practical nature of her captain.

* * *

April 26, XXXX

Nigel Uno!

Don't you dare go off to sea! You think I don't know what's going on? I'm not stupid, you know. We are getting married and nothing is going to get in our way; especially not a stupid war. I better see you here on the 30th when you come back from your meeting! We still need to finalize the menu with the caterer.

If you're not there, I am coming down to the docks and dragging you back by your shoelaces!

Love,

Lizzie

* * *

April 28, XXXX

Dear Thaddeus,

By the time you get this letter, I'll be gone. Please don't look for me and please don't think badly of me either. I'm not doing this because there's another man. There is no other man. I just can't get married right now; I'm not ready. If you decide to move on, then I'll understand. I don't expect you to be waiting around for me when I get back. I don't expect you to talk to me ever again. I've already made peace with that. I hope that someday you will forgive me.

Francine Fulbright

_= = = Uh…yeah…I hope you appreciate how many desks I've had to rummage through order to get all these letters and newspaper clippings together for you. I almost got caught…twice. Just kidding. = = = _

I guess this is a prologue? The chapters won't always be like this; I just wanted to set the stage for an alternate universe. I've always wanted to do a sailing/pirating story, especially after watching _Treasure Planet_ and reading some fiction stories about adventures at sea. Sadly, I don't think I'd be good at writing them for real, which is why I came up with this KND-based seafaring story. The specs of the KND _Mad Monday_ are based upon the USS _Constellation_ (the sloop-of-war _Constellation_, not the frigate _Constellation_, mind you) and all the ships in this universe have been through some 2x4 tinkering, so they're some kind of blend of 2x4 and sail technology. I also found out (thanks to the miracle of the KND Code Module Wiki) that Numbuh 10's name is Eva Roberts. So no, Eva isn't a made-up character.

I must warn you right now; if you're interested in following this story then I recommend putting this one on your story alert. This is because I cannot guarantee that I'll be updating once a week like I'd like to. (If I do update, it'll be on Thursdays.) I'm actually working on a different, much longer fanfic at the same time as this one and I'll be neglecting this story in favor of the other one. I won't be releasing the other one until it is completely finished (sequels and all).

– Arty


	2. The Yippernicus

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = What? You people actually came back to read the second chapter? I don't understand. Why? Oh! And there's a glossary at the end of the chapter now. = = = _

Nigel Uno, in a dark p-coat and red turtleneck sweater, sat on a barstool at a seaside, open air bar. The sea breeze swept over him and the dock bustled with activity behind him. Ships were being loaded with supplies and people and hamsters scurried around the docks in packs. Nigel nudged his bag with the toe of his boot and nursed a shot of strong drink between his hands.

He was supposed to get married today.

Nigel downed his drink and looked over his papers again. There was the draft letter, and then there was the Letter of Marque and Reprisal, which was written up on heavy parchment with a watermark and stamped with the seal of Springsthesia. The Yippernicus was actually the ship behind him. She was a large frigate outfitted with three masts and close to 30 guns. Nigel could not decide whether she would be a prison or a refuge for the next few months.

"Aren't you supposed to be getting married?"

Nigel turned to see a tall, sturdy man with a light blue shirt. His sunglasses had yellow lenses and his brown hair peeked out from under his hat.

"Hoagie."

"Nigel!" Hoagie's laugh boomed from within his deep chest and he clapped Nigel on the back, knocking Nigel's sunglasses askew. "Out here about to ship out to sea? Who knew Lizzie would be so understanding?"

"Uh…"

Hoagie paused. "She does know you're here, doesn't she?"

"Well," Nigel straightened his sunglasses. "I kind of snuck out at four this morning."

Hoagie gave a low whistle. "You're leaving her at the altar."

"Pretty much."

"You're a cruel man, Nigel Uno," Hoagie hefted his bag over his shoulder and tucked Nigel's bag under his other arm as if they were no heavier than pillows. "Come on. Let's get you on board before your fiancé finds you, Captain."

The Yippernicus reeked of masculinity. Boys secured supplies and checked out rigging clad in undershirts and loose pants. Some spat over the railing of the ship. A man wearing a dark green p-coat and brown pants yelled orders at the crew. Black hair peeked out from under his orange beanie. He walked over to them.

"Captain Uno," he struck a salute. "First Mate and Boatswain Patton Drilovsky at your service!"

"At ease, sailor," Nigel said. "How is the ship?"

"She's shipshape, Captain," Patton said. "All one hundred and forty men are here and ready to sail. Well, everyone except a couple of stragglers." Patton turned to Hoagie and tried to stare the big man down, but was unsuccessful. It was improbable that anyone could bother Hoagie; he was built like a tank. "Who are you, sailor?"

Hoagie dropped his bag off his shoulder, which landed on the deck in a great thud, and took out his papers. "I'm Hogarth P Gilligan Jr., the ship's Master Carpenter and Surgeon."

"_You're_ the Master Carpenter and Surgeon?" Patton frowned.

Hoagie smirked. "Be nice, Drilovsky. I might save your life one day."

Patton fumed. Nigel put a hand on his shoulder.

"We're not military men, Patton. If I'm not mistaken, most of the crew isn't either. Are you sure you can put up with us?"

Patton took a deep breath. "Yes, sir. We're all here to fight for Springsthesia, and that's what matters." Patton struck another salute as a tall, slender young man in lime green and white clothes walked onto the deck towards them. He leaned heavily on a cane. He also wore sunglasses and black fingerless gloves and his head was covered in bandages.

"At ease, Patton," he said, then struck a salute of his own. "Quartermaster Lance at your service, Captain."

"Lance," Nigel saluted back. "I thought you commanded a schooner?"

"I did. She was beauty too," Lance gingerly touched the back of his head. "She was struck down two weeks ago though. She took a piece of me with her."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's alright. I'll avenge her soon enough," Lance lowered his hand.

"I can't help but think that you should be in the middle of sick leave, Lance. You're injured."

"I appreciate the concern, Nigel," Lance said. He smirked down at his cane. "But believe me when I say that I'm fit for duty."

A lean young man wandered up onto the ship. He had blond hair and an uneasy swagger.

"You," Patton shouted. "Where are your papers?"

"Ain't got no papers," the boy said. His Australian accent twisted his words. He slouched as he walked over and shoved an envelope at them. "I got this letter though."

Patton put his hand on his face and sighed. Nigel took the letter and opened it up.

_

* * *

April 30, XXXX_

_Dear Captain Nigel Uno,_

_The bearer of this letter, Wallabee Beatles, is in dire need of your help. Please take him along with you as part of your crew. He's a very strong young man and he knows how to fight. He will be a very big help to you and he will not let you down. If you do not take him, he will be subjected to three months in prison. Please do not send him to prison. _

_Forever in your debt,_

_Mr. & Mrs. Beatles_

* * *

Nigel folded the letter and looked at the boy from over the top of his sunglasses. "I see. You haven't killed anyone, have you, Mister Beatles?"

"What?" The boy's blue eyes opened wide. "No! I ain't killed no one! I'll fight anyone that asks for for a beating, though."

"Well," Nigel tucked the letter into the lining pocket of his coat. "If you're going to be on this ship, you're going to have to save the fighting for the enemy and not for the other crew members. Can you do that?"

"I sure can."

"Then welcome aboard the KND _Yippernicus_, Mister Beatles," Nigel shook the boy's hand.

"Call me Wally," he said.

"What can you do besides fight, Wally?"

"I can shoot. My old man taught me how to hunt and fish."

"Hmm," Nigel turned to Lance and Patton. "Does this ship have a Striker?"

The two of them looked at each other.

"No, Captain," Patton said. "We've always just kind of foraged for food when we needed it."

"Like roots and berries? That kind of stuff?"

Patton frowned. "Yeah, that kind of stuff. We've never been able to take down big game."

"I know how to do that," Wally said. "I don't need a gun, either. Arrows work just fine too. I can skin. I can butcher."

"Gentlemen," Nigel clapped a hand on Wally's shoulder. "I have just found us a Striker. Will you show him around, Lance?"

"Come with me, Wally," Lance beckoned to Wally. "Let's see if there's an empty hammock for you."

"I better get set up too," Hoagie picked up his bag. "See you 'round, gents."

Nigel turned to Patton. "I'm afraid I haven't captained a frigate before, Patton. I'm used to merchant ships."

"Don't worry, Captain," Patton said. "Lance isn't used to frigates either. I know this ship like the back of my hand. I'll help you out."

"Then why aren't you captain?"

"Captains don't get to yell at the crew much," Patton admitted.

"I see," Nigel looked at his pocket watch. "You don't mind if we cast off early, do you?"

"Not at all, Captain. The Yippernicus _is_ ready to go now."

"Good," Nigel put his watch away. "Then let's go."

"All hands to stations!" Patton bellowed. There was a flurry of activity as boys rushed to follow orders. "Lift the plank! Come on, stop goofing around like a bunch of little girls! Release those sails!"

"Wait! Don't lift the plank yet! Wait! I SAID WAIT! NIGEL UNO!"

Nigel cringed and turned to the dock to see a portly girl running towards them. She was dressed in a white dress and a veil streamed out behind her. Patton looked at the girl, then at Nigel. He tried in vain to hide a smirk.

"Unfinished business, Captain?"

"Uh…"

"Nigel Uno!" the girl yelled again. It was a good thing that the ship was too far away for her to jump across. "We are supposed to get married today!"

"Duty calls, Lizzie," Nigel put on a brave face. "I'll see you in several months."

Lizzie threw her bouquet down on the dock. "Nigel! Come back here this instant!"

Lizzie tried to jump, but she was caught by a few other people and was dragged back from the end of the dock. A few people stopped their work to stare at the spectacle, including some of the boys on the Yippernicus. Patton turned and yelled at them.

"I'm pregnant, Nigie!" Lizzie whined.

"Buh," Nigel paled, then frowned. "No, you're not! Stop lying!"

"Stop running away!"

"I'm not running away, I'm going to war! And stop saying you're pregnant if you're not."

"But what if I was?"

"What was that?" Nigel made a great show of cupping his hands around his ears. "I can't hear you!"

"What?"

"Lalalalala," Nigel stuck his fingers in his ears. It might be immature, but then again, Lizzie shouldn't have lied about being pregnant.

"Nigel Uno! You are going to be in so much trouble when you come back!"

The frigate groaned as it made its way out in open sea and Lizzie's yells quieted as they got further and further away.

"Well," Nigel put on a gray beanie to shield his head against the sea breeze. "Shall we carry on, Patton?"

Patton struggled to keep a straight face. "Yes, sir."

The pair of them went down into the state room, which had an ornate desk, a wide table with maps on it and a communications station with a computer. Nigel's bag leaned against a door that Nigel guessed led to his private quarters.

"We're privateers, Patton," Nigel gestured to the map. "The President has ordered us to patrol for enemy ships in this part of the ocean. Instead of sinking any ships we come across, we are to seize the crew and any goods they might have on board."

"We'll get there at around noon, no problem," Patton said. "I've fought other ships before, but I don't have any experience privateering."

"That's okay," Nigel's sunglasses flashed. "I do."

"_Ships off the starboard bow!" _

Patton and Nigel went topside to see Lee, the Master Rigger, point to several dark shapes on the horizon. Nigel squinted and Patton handed him a BONGOSCOPE. Nigel took it and looked at the shapes again through the binoculars.

"Schooners," he said. "Ten of them."

"Are they ours?"

"I don't think so. They're pink and white."

"Ice cream men!" Patton scowled.

"There's no way we're going to outrun them."

"Prepare to engage!" Patton yelled. "Reel in the sails! Pete, Peter, I want all the guns ready to shoot."

"Aye aye, sir." A pair of twins saluted him before going disappearing into the ship. They ran past Lance and Wally, who joined Nigel and Patton at the bow.

"What's going on?" Lance took the offered binoculars and peered at the nearing ships. He choked. "The _Rum Raisin_!" He lowered the binoculars and glared. "That's the ship that sunk my schooner!"

"Sir," Patton growled at Nigel. "If there are ten schooners then that'll be a hundred guns we're up against."

"I know."

"They'll be shooting at us from all sides."

"I know," Nigel readied a gun. "Send out a distress call, Patton. We're going to need help."

Patton saluted and disappeared into the ship.

"Wally," Nigel said. "You still feel up to a fight?"

"You bet your fancy sunglasses I am!"

"Then you better not let us down."

The schooners came at them faster than Nigel expected. They flanked out in a v-formation, then they made a sweeping turn to surround the Yippernicus with practiced ease. Nigel could pick out the names on their sterns: DCS _Rum Raisin, _DCS _Sherbet, _DCS _Rocky Road_, and so on and so forth. All the crew members aboard the schooners wore crisp white uniforms.

"Fire," one of them shouted.

BOOM.

The ship rocked. Nigel grabbed the railing to steady himself. The riggers yelled out and clutched at the ropes and masts to keep from falling to their deaths. "Aren't we going to return fire?"

BOOM.

The DCS _Vanilla Bean_ splintered to pieces as a heavy shot rammed through it. The members of her crew shouted in dismay and dove into the water.

"Captain," Lee shouted down from his place in the masts. "One of those ships are coming in close on the port side!"

"They're trying to board us," Nigel shoved his gun at Wally. "Schooner crews only have ten men. You think you can board their ship before they board ours?"

"Yes, sir," Wally took the gun, then turned when someone called his name. It was Lance.

"I'm coming with you," he said. Wally nodded. The two of them took a running jump off the ship.

_= = = And it's on like Donkey Kong! = = = _

Will the Yippernicus withstand the attack? Will anyone get the distress signal and come to their aid? Is Lance truly in fighting form? Will Lizzie ever get married? (Snrk. Sorry, I can't take that last question seriously.) Stay tuned for the next installment of _Privateers_!

Thanks for coming back to read this chapter. I'll try to update next week. If you have any questions, then ask away and I'll see if I can answer them.

– Arty

**Glossary:** I guess I'm including a glossary at the ends of chapters from now on to help you readers out. Depending on what new terms are mentioned in the chapter, the glossary will be tailored to define them.

Hamsters: These are the only rodents allowed on the ships. I imagine that they'd power the ships when there is no wind, or when they are sailing against the wind.

Privateer: Pretty much the same as a Pirate. The difference between the two is that pirates plunder and pillage for themselves and privateers are employed by a government to do the same thing.

Letter of Marque and Reprisal: This is an official document that governments issue their privateers. It's like their license. It is proof that a privateering ship and her crew are employed by a government.

Springsthesia/Summersia/Autumnopolis/Wintersdom: These four made-up countries are named for the four stages of human life: Spring = kids, Summer = teens, Autumn = adults, Winter = elderly. In this story, everyone's ages are a little wonky (they're old enough to get married now!) so I can't exactly say it's kids against adults. This is my way of getting around that.

Frigate: Pretty big ship. A frigate can't enter shallow waters, and it isn't very fast compared to smaller ships, but it makes up for the lack of speed with power. Frigates can have up to 30+ guns and can be run by up to 140+ man crew. There are two rates for frigates: 5th rate and 6th rate (I'm going by long-disused rating system of the Royal Navy). The KND Yippernicus is a 6th rate frigate.

Schooner: Fastest and nimblest ship one could command. They are relatively small, can turn on a dime (hypothetically speaking) and they can go into really shallow water. They have narrow hulls, which help with the speed and the shallow water parts, but it means that it can't carry as much supplies as other ships and must dock frequently. When Schooners are outfitted for war, they can carry up to 10 guns and 10 men.

**Ship Titles:** All the titles have been redefined over the years, so now they mean different things. I am defining them as pirates would have defined them in the 1700's-1800's.

Captain: The leader of the ship, but only during battle. At any other time, he's a regular crew member. He is usually democratically voted into the position.

Quartermaster: The real captain of the ship. He's the one who settles arguments between crewmembers and when there's booty, he's the one who divvies it up. He's also the only one who can punish crew members and he's the voice of the crew. He's usually voted into the position; just like the captain.

First Mate: Captain and Quartermaster's assistant.

Boatswain (Bos'n): He's the one who makes sure the ship runs smoothly. He makes sure everyone is doing their duty and he's the one who directly commands the crew.

Master Carpenter/Cooper: This guy is responsible for making sure the ship is working well. When the ship needs to be repaired, or when the masts need some work, he's the guy who fixes it. He might have help from a team of other carpenters. In that case, he's the guy who orders them around.

Surgeon: This one is pretty self explanatory; when there's an injury, take it to the ships' surgeon and he'll take care of it. It was common for the Surgeon and the Carpenter to be the same person, because both jobs required the same tools. (Gruesome, right?)

Striker: When the ship is running low on food, they would sometimes dock and send out a striker, or a hunter, to go out and catch big game for the crew. If you are boarding an enemy ship, this is the guy you do not want to meet up with. Fighting is his business and he's very efficient at what he does.

Master Rigger: This guy was in charge of making sure all the sails and masts and ropes were in working order. He and his riggers would work the sails and tend to the ropes ('cause for serious, ropes are important and they need tender care).


	3. The Mad Monday

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = I'm tired of the sausage-fest. Let's get some ladies in here. = = = _

**Log Entry 1**

**April 30, XXXX**

I've decided that being adrift at sea was no excuse for my writing skills to go bad, so I'm writing a log about my adventures.

When I arrived at the harbor I thought I was in the wrong place. Everyone scrambled around like madmen, hauling things from one place to the other. There were crates of stuff lying around. Barrels of fish, cheese, and bread were stacked high. Bags of rice and flour were hauled onto ships and hamsters were everywhere. I had to watch my step because I didn't want to squish any of the little buggers.

My mom wanted me to arrive in a dress, can you believe that? I've never sailed before, but I imagined that no kind of respected sailor reports for duty in a dress. But then again, I didn't know what passed as respected on the Mad Monday then.

I wanted to be on the Yippernicus, but then I found out that they don't have girls on the crew. I think that's because of some old superstition that bringing women on board a ship is bad luck. It's such a stupid belief, but what can I do? It's not like I want to be the only girl on board with a hundred guys. That's scary.

So boys and girls are segregated to different ships and half of the ships have boy crews and the other half have girl crews. The Mad Monday was supposed to be one of the girls' ships.

It certainly looked normal when I first saw it. It looked like any other ship being prepped. I expected it to be swathed in hideous pink and purple and rainbows and junk. Don't get me wrong; I like rainbow monkeys, but I don't think a ship decorated in rainbow monkeys and ribbons and glitter and unicorns sends the right image to the people we're supposed to be fighting. If the Mad Monday was decorated that way, I think I would have ran away right there and then. Thankfully, it was a regular-looking ship with a dark blue and white hull. The sails weren't tie-dyed and the ropes weren't daisy-chains.

Okay, okay. I know it seems as if I don't have a high opinion of girls. That's not true. I know how cool some girls can be, and we talk and stuff and that's okay. But I also know how irritating the rest of them can be too. I just don't want to be stuck on a ship full of airheads for months at a time. I think I'd go nuts.

So the Mad Monday actually gave me some hope, you know? The girls I'd be sailing with might not be so bad. I walked up the plank and got on board. There was this other red-head on deck, wearing a green p-coat and snapping orders out at everyone.

I later learned that this was Francine Fulbright, the First Mate and Boatswain of the KND _Mad Monday_. The girl could yell like nobody's business and when she wasn't yelling she still talked as if she was going to hurt you. She also always had a frown. I think that it was because it wasn't her job to be liked and she didn't really care what people thought. She was there to keep the ship running smoothly and she did it by yelling. As long as it kept us alive and kicking, I really didn't care enough to complain. It wasn't as if she enjoyed yelling at people and it wasn't as if she ever overstepped her boundaries.

I don't think I can pin down her accent in writing, so I won't even try. I told her that I was reporting for duty and she told me that it was about time I showed up.

"I'm sorry, captain."

"You'll thank your lucky stars that I'm not the captain," she said. "Captain's over there."

Fanny pointed to a girl in a charcoal gray p-coat with shoulder-length blonde hair. The girl looked at us.

"You know I'm only acting as captain, Fanny," she stuck out a hand. "Quartermaster Rachel McKenzie, at your service."

"Eva Roberts."

"It's a little unusual for a new sailor to be assigned to the Mad Monday. Did you drop a name when you signed up?"

"My cousin's the captain of the Yippernicus."

She stared at me. "Nigel Uno is your cousin."

"His mom and my dad are long-lost siblings. I actually saw him off before I reported, ma'am."

"That's right," Rachel smiled. "The Yippernicus cast off earlier today. I suppose that means he didn't get married?"

"I guess not."

"Hmm, that's too bad." I don't know if she meant that it was too bad for Nigel or for Lizzie and I didn't get to ask.

"I guess that means Lizzie might be around," Rachel shared a look with Fanny. "Make sure she doesn't get on the ship."

"Aye, Captain," Fanny nodded and left. Rachel looked at me.

"Do you have a special sort of skill?"

"I'm…a writer. I used to work for a newspaper before I signed up, ma'am."

"I see," Rachel paused. "I guess you'll just have to be the Cabin Girl."

"The _what_?"

Rachel looked up to the rigging. "Abby!"

A girl with a red hat dropped down from above and landed on her feet. She threw a salute. "Captain, my Captain."

"Are the sails ready?"

"Yes'm."

"Good. This is Eva Roberts, the new Cabin Girl. She hasn't sailed before so I'm putting her in your charge."

"Yes ma'am."

Rachel and Fanny walked off and Abigail looked at me.

"Might as well give you a tour," she said. You know how you get vibes off people you meet and you already know if they're cool or a jerk? Well, Abby was one of the cool ones. I think it was partly her hat. She was smooth and sophisticated and I sometimes wondered why she was here instead of snapping out lines at an open mic somewhere.

Abby told me to follow her into the ship. Girls were everywhere. There were some bangles and some hints of pink and rainbows here and there, but on the whole, everyone was dressed as if they were ready to fight some bad guys. I learned from Abby that the Mad Monday was a sloop-of-war. It was outfitted with 16 guns and carried a crew of up to 125 women.

"That's a lot of girls."

"It gets a little cramped sometimes," she admitted. "Especially in the bathrooms. But it's all good. We need that many people 'cause we're privateers."

"Privateers?"

"You really are clueless, aren't you? Privateers are pirates that work for a country. We're plundering in the name of Springsthesia, baby."

I put my bag in an empty hammock and toured the rest of the ship with Abby. There were hamsters aboard to generate power on the ship and the bathrooms were tiny. There were only eleven showers. How 125 girls were going to share eleven showers was beyond me.

"You go in the dead of night," Abby said. "That's how you beat the rush."

That advice would save me for weeks to come.

"Come on," Abby said. "I think it's almost time to cast off. Wanna watch?"

The two of us went made our way topside. Every girl was on deck, ready for orders. Fanny was there, standing at Rachel's side.

"Is everything shipshape, Fanny?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Alright. Let's go."

"All hands to stations!" Fanny yelled. "Hurry up, this isn't a tea party! Release the sails!"

Shadows fell onto the ship as all the sails unfurled and filled with wind. The ship began to move and pick up speed.

"South by southwest, Mary-Lou," Rachel said to the girl at the helm. "Just follow the Yippernicus' coordinates."

"Aye aye, Captain!"

"Really, Captain," Fanny asked. "The Yippernicus?"

"I'm afraid those boys are already in trouble," Rachel said. "I received their stress signal earlier. We're the fastest ship around so we're their best bet of surviving."

I'm not going to lie; when the fighting started I thought I was going to die.

**End of Log Entry**

_= = = Mary-Lou Sarah-Jane Jones may have a ridonkulous name, but she is not a Mary Sue. She's actually Numbuh 14. = = = _

Rachel wasn't joking when she said that the Mad Monday was the fastest ship around. The nimble little ship shot over the water, making excellent progress into open sea. The ship port got smaller and smaller behind them and disappeared into the horizon.

Abby turned to Eva and squinted. "I'm the Master Rigger; I help look after the sails and the ropes and stuff. My duty's up there," she pointed up to the tall, tall masts. "You cool with heights?"

"Not really," Eva confessed. "What does the Cabin Girl do, anyway?"

"Anything that needs to be done," Abby shrugged. "I guess sometimes you'll clean up, or run messages, or junk like that. Maybe you're better off down in the Mess for now? There's a whole bunch of chatty gals down there, and they're always looking for help."

"Oh, okay."

"Just go down the stairs. You'll find it."

Eva went down into the ship and picked up traces of a chant.

"…_Pie's too sweet, I want a piece of meat,/meat's too red, I want a piece of bread/bread's too brown, I want to go to town,/town's too far, I'll have to take a car…" _

Eva stepped into the Mess to find two other girls down there, already cooking food. Three pots simmered away on the stove and knives clacked against cutting boards. A Japanese girl scraped the freshly cut carrots off the board and into a nearby pot with her knife. Her long hair was pulled back and the sleeves of her shirt were pushed up to her elbows. The other girl, who was tanned with short blonde hair, cut thin strips off a slab of bacon. Both girls took no notice of Eva and continued their rhyme.

"…_Money's too green, I want a jelly bean,/bean's too red, I want to go to bed,/bed's too long, I want to wear a thong!"_ The girls laughed.

"You want to wear a thong, Sonya?" the Japanese girl gasped with a mocking air. "That's crazy."

"I don't want to wear a thong," Sonya, the blonde girl, scoffed. "You do."

"You do."

"No, you do!" Sonya took up a rag and snapped it at the other girl. The girl laughed and just moved her hips to dodge it. Then she turned and set eyes on Eva.

"Hey," she smiled. "We've got a visitor!"

"Huh? Oh! Hi!" Sonya lowered the strips of bacon onto a pan. "I'm Sonya, the ship's cook."

"And I'm Kuki Sanban, the ship surgeon," the other girl set her knife down and beamed at the new girl

Sonya wiped her hands on her apron. "Was there anything you need?"

Eva introduced herself. "Do you guys need some help?"

Sonya and Kuki shared a look. "Don't we ever," Sonya said. "Do you know how to cook eggs?"

"Eggs and bacon are the only things I know how to cook," Eva shrugged.

"Then you'll be helping me cook in the mornings," Sonya whipped out another couple pans and set them onto the free burners. "Wash your hands over there and get started on some scrambled eggs. Don't add any milk; some girls are lactose intolerant." Eva tied her hair back and rushed over. After a couple minutes, Sonya struck up another chant, which Kuki picked up one line in. Eva rolled her eyes, but joined in as well.

"_Miss Susie had a steamboat/the steamboat had a bell-_ding-ding_!/Miss Susie went to heaven/the steamboat went to/hello operator, please give me number nine,/and if you disconnect me, I'll kick you from/behind the refrigerator, there was a piece of glass/Miss Susie fell upon it, and broke her little…" _

BOOM.

The ship rocked and the girls broke the chant. Sonya steadied the pots and pans. "What was that?"

_= = = "The kraken. The kraken? It's the kraken, right? It's a kraken. The kraken!" "No!" (flips over table) "If it wasn't the kraken the first time, then what makes you think it'll be the kraken the next hundred times? Gah!" = = = _

Rachel had always considered the state room to be too much room for one person. The beamed ceiling was low and the wood paneled floors were highly polished. There was a low table in the middle of the room with a map of the world tacked onto it. There were navigation tools scattered on top of the map and behind the table was a smaller desk with Rachel's papers and stationary. A wide window stretched across the wall opposite the door and there was a communications terminal off to the side.

Behind another door, opposite the communications panel, were the actual captain's quarters, which held a wide built-in bed, a low dresser and a closet. The dresser was wedged between the bed and the corner of the room, and the height made it perfect to also serve as a makeshift desk.

Rachel wasn't in her private quarters though; she was at the trunk she kept behind her desk. She had shucked her p-coat, revealing her black pants and maroon waistcoat, and was arming herself. They would be coming across the Yippernicus at any moment and it would be best to be prepared. Rachel strapped on a couple guns and extra ammo, then buckled on a sword and knife belt around her hips. She picked up a shoulder harness that held four guns and turned to leave.

"Rachel?" Fanny appeared in the doorway. "Ah, there yeh are. Abby's spotted ships. A frigate and several schooners."

"That'll be them," Rachel tossed the harness and guns over to Fanny. The redhead took off her coat and slipped into the harness. "Ready?"

"Aye, Captain." The two of them went back up to the deck to see a fast approaching scene of chaos. A frigate was surrounded by tiny schooners. One of the schooners broke the circle and went in close as the others kept firing. Fanny stared at the columns of smoke that billowed into the sky. "It _is_ the Yippernicus."

Rachel rushed to the railing and gaped. "They're trying to board her."

"There's got to be ten of the blighters," Fanny said. "That's got to be about a hundred guns between them."

"We're going in," Rachel said. "We'll fire on them as we pass. Hopefully, we'll draw half of those schooners away from the boys."

"All hands prepare to engage," Fanny shrieked. "Virginia, you and your powder monkeys better get all those guns operational!"

"Yes, ma'am!" A brunette in a black shirt and red pants saluted smartly and went below to the gun deck.

"I want hamster power to the engines now! Abby, prepare to secure those sails on my command."

The Mad Monday sailed closer and closer to the battle. Rachel could pick out the people on the ships now. She could hear shouts and gunfire.

"C-C-Captain!" Mary-Lou whimpered from her station at the helm. "We've got to turn! We'll crash right into them!"

"Hold her steady, sailor," Rachel commanded. "We're going to pass right between those two ships."

"…What?"

"Captain?" Fanny ducked as debris flew at them.

"Don't fire yet," Rachel held up her hand.

The ship sailed right between two schooners and crossed between the schooners and the Yippernicus. It was very fortunate that the Mad Monday was a low ship, because a cannonball whizzed over the deck, missing crew members and the rigging by inches.

"Fire at will," Rachel yelled.

BOOM.

Two schooners on the starboard side rocked from the heavy shots. One of the ships was hit below the waterline. The Mad Monday sailed out of the circle and kept going as if nothing had happened.

"It worked…" Fanny looked rather dazed. "It worked?"

"Don't breathe easy yet," Rachel watched as four of the schooners unfurled their sails. "They're not finished with us. Cut the power and furl the sails now."

"What? Aren't we going to lead them on a chase and outrun them when they're far away enough? This is the fastest ship around!"

"Not fast enough. Those schooners are faster than sloops. They'll catch up to us for sure."

"What's the point of having a ship that specializes in speed if it's not the fastest one?"

"Fanny," Rachel looked at the other girl. "Just do as I say."

"C-cut the power," Fanny ordered. Girls scrambled left and right to follow orders. "Secure all sails!"

"Relax, Fanny," Rachel put a hand on her shoulder. "It's not like we haven't done this before."

"…Yeah."

Virgina Sims, the ship's master gunner and pilot, appeared on deck with three other girls. They each had a bag of weapons and they passed them out to the other girls on deck. Eva appeared behind them, looking quite lost. Abby landed on the deck next to her.

"Are you crazy?" Abby took off her hat and shook it under Eva's nose in warning. "You're a writer, not a fighter. Get your behind back in the Mess!"

"But I want to fight," Eva pointed to Kuki, who had wedged a pair of knives in her sash. "Even she's fighting."

"Do you even know how to fight?"

"Uh…I can throw a punch."

"Nuh uh," Abby stared her down. "That don't cut it. If you get hurt, the Captain's gonna blame me! Tell you what; I'll teach you how to fight after this, ya dig?"

"Don't talk to me like that! I'm not a child."

"You're as helpless as one, so that's the way you're gonna be treated," Abby secured a sword and a couple guns in her belt and started up the rigging. "Stay inside, _Cabin Girl_."

Eva groaned, but turned and went back inside the ship. Virginia and her powder monkeys went back down to the second deck.

"Prepare to be boarded, ladies," Fanny warned. "Lets give those Autumnopolis guys something to cry about!"

_= = = Oh, Rachel. You are an insane captain to work under. = = = _

My mistake (I realized it just now) was that I made the Mad Monday a more personal ship by describing it through the eyes of Eva, and I didn't do the same for the Yippernicus. I suppose I could describe the ship through Lance; he seems passionate and eloquent enough to pull it off.

– Arty

**Glossary: **

Sloop-of-War: Not the modern, tiny boats that are used for pleasure boating, but the bigger ships. They are the next fastest and nimblest ship one could command after the Schooner. They can also go into shallow waters (but not as shallow as schooners). Sloops-of-War have bigger hulls than schooners, which means they can take up more supplies and don't have to dock as often. They can be outfitted with up to 18 guns and can carry up to 125 crew members.

Cabin Boy/Girl: This would usually be a boy who was sent to sea to learn the trade. He would do menial tasks and odd jobs around the ship, including running messages. He was everyone's assistant.

Cook: This one is self explanatory. The cook worked in the Mess, and served up all the food that the crew would eat. This guy also knows how to fish.

Pilot: He knows what the ship is capable of. When the ship is steered into shallow waters, he's the one who stands at the bow and tells the helmsman which way to steer.

Powder Monkeys: Powder monkeys weren't really gunners; they were just the boys that went down to get powder for the actual gunners during battle. I like the nickname though, so I call all the gunners (save for the Master Gunner) Powder Monkeys.


	4. The Fire Ship

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = To tell the truth, I'm surprised the Yippernicus called for help in the first place. = = = _

"Yaaah!" Wally and Lance yelled as they landed on the deck of the DCS _Neapolitan_. They aimed their guns and shot at the crew. One of the burly men clutched his chest and fell overboard. Wally was able to get one more shot in before the gun was knocked out of his hands. Three of the enemy crew rushed him at once. Wally caught one of their punches and threw the man overboard, then took two punches to the gut.

"Oof!"

"Wally," Lance kept the other half of the enemy crew at bay with his cane that he slashed around like a sword when they came in too close for a gun. "Are you okay?"

"Are you kidding? I'm having a blast! Ain't nothin' loike a bar fight though, sir," Wally picked himself up and smashed in his opponents' noses. "Least there ain't any broken glass."

Lance clubbed one of the men over the head and pushed him overboard. "I see what you mean. Fighting _is_ pretty fun."

Wally moved so that a punch to the face just glanced off his forehead and kicked one of the last remaining men off the ship. "Don't have to tell me that!"

THUD.

Lance dropped onto the deck, lifeless. The back of his head was a bloody mess. A nasty-looking man stood over him, grinning and holding a club.

"Lance!" Wally gritted his teeth. "Why, you…Yah!" He flung himself at the man.

_= = = Oh shoot. There's blood in this fic. And death. Uh…T is still a safe rating, right? = = = _

Rachel watched as the men climbed over the railing and onto the Mad Monday.

"Score," one of the men leered. "It's a ship full of girls!"

"Fanny," Rachel said as she readied her gun. "Do we have enough supplies to feed forty extra men?"

"No, ma'am."

"That's what I thought," Rachel said. She aimed her gun and shot the nearest one in the head.

"Take no prisoners," Fanny shouted and drew two of her guns at once. She led the charge at the intruders. "Raise the red flag!"

Abby and her riggers descended upon the enemies from the masts with more guns and clubs. The men's faces fell as the girls appeared. The enemy might be big, burly men, but they were heavily outnumbered. On the gun deck, Virginia and her gunners kept shooting at the enemy ships.

"Don't sink 'em, ladies," Virginia commanded. "Aim for their guns and their masts."

"But…they're attacking us," one of the girls said.

"And there's money to be made in keeping them afloat," Virginia shot back. "I know we used to just sink them in the past, but now we're privateers! We are going to take those ships."

BOOM.

One by one, the masts of the ships around the Mad Monday cracked and fell. One of the ships stopped being a target when a boarding party of girls swung onto it and began fighting the crew.

"Cease fire!" Virginia turned a gun away from one of the openings and looked through it. "Did we get all of them?"

"There's two coming at us from the Yippernicus," Kimberly pointed out from further down the deck. A stray beam of light flashed off of her safety glasses. "Wait, they've stopped halfway." She watched as planks bridged the two schooners. "What are they doing?"

"We can worry about that later if they're not attacking us," Virginia said. "Right now we need to help the others!"

"AAAARRGH!" Several ice cream men yelled as they invaded the gun deck.

"Well, well," Virginia hefted a ramrod in her hands like a club. The other girls looked at her and followed her example. Some wound bandages around their knuckles. "Looks like the fight came to us. Get 'em!"

Several girls sprung forward at the men. Throughout the ensuing chaos, Kimberly kept staring out the porthole. The ice cream men on the two schooners were in the middle of transporting everything from one ship to the other. One of the men was dousing the emptied ship with something.

"Wait, they're…" Kimberly's eyes widened. "Oh no!"

_= = = What, Kimberly? What is it? = = = _

Nigel turned in time to see Patton put one of the invading men in a sleeper hold. The man dropped onto the deck like a stone and Patton dusted his hands off.

"You've got red on you," Nigel gestured to his face.

"Oh," Patton ran a hand over his face and looked at his fingers. "Eh, it's okay. Watch out!"

Nigel ducked and two punches whistled over his head. Nigel elbowed the man in the stomach and he stumbled back, winded. "Thanks, I…" he stopped and did a double-take at something out at sea. "What is that?"

Patton took up handfuls of a man's collar, spun around and threw him overboard. "What is what?"

"That," Nigel jabbed a finger at the two isolated schooners. "What are they doing?"

"I don't know, sir," Patton squinted. "Lee!"

A lithe blond boy dropped from above and landed neatly onto the railing. "What is it, sir?"

"There are two schooners out there. Tell us what they're up to."

"Will do," Lee saluted and flicked his wrist. A yo-yo shot up and stuck fast to something. Lee swung up and into the rigging.

_= = = Yoyos can be pretty dangerous. I know someone who took down a mugger with one. = = = _

Rachel gritted her teeth as her machete grinded against the blade of an ice cream man. She kicked him away and he tripped and fell back.

"Captain," Kimberly ran onto the deck, her glasses askew. Her blue coveralls were dusty with gunpowder. "Captain!"

"What is it, sailor?" Rachel's waistcoat was ripped in two places and her sleeves were dirty.

"The schooner," Kimberly pointed at it. "Look."

Rachel stared as the two isolated schooners broke apart. A light flickered on the emptied one. "Wait…is that?"

"Yes! It's…"

"Captain," Lee landed on the deck in front of Nigel. "It's a _fire ship_!"

It was indeed. The crews of both ships sailed away from the emptied one; away to safety. One lone crew member steered the emptied ship at full speed towards the Yippernicus. He carried a blazing torch in his hand and at the right second, he would drop it onto the deck, setting the ship ablaze and turning it into one giant weapon.

"It's headed right for us," Nigel bellowed. Patton paled behind him.

"What?"

"There's a fire ship coming our way!"

"What do we do," Lee asked. "Something like that will sink us!"

"This can't be happening," Nigel said. "We just started sailing!"

"Orders man," Patton snapped. "Orders!"

Nigel took a deep breath. "Right. Orders. What about the other schooners?"

"Taken out, I think."

"Do we have hamster power?"

"They're ready to go. Just say the word," Patton said.

"But there's no way this ship can outrun a schooner, sir," Lee said. "And those engines need time to speed up."

"I know. Then again, I'm not looking to outrun them," Nigel said. "Since they're aiming for our bow, we could just move it. There's enough power for that, don't you think?"

"Bartie," Patton yelled. "Engage hamster power and turn this ship starboard! On the double!"

"Aye aye, sir!" Bartie slid open a panel beside the helm to reveal the engine control handle. He grabbed it and moved it all the way to _FULL_. A bell sounded and Bartie straightened up and turned the wheel.

_= = = Turn that wheel, Bartie. Turn it real good. = = = _

Eva and Sonya perked up as girls skidded into the galley, followed by two ice cream men.

"They're in the ship," Eva and Sonya shared a look. _"They're in the ship?"_

Sonya grabbed a frying pan and hopped through the window that separated the kitchen from the galley. Eva grabbed a meat tenderizer mallet and followed.

"I don't recall inviting men onto this ship," each of Sonya's words were punctuated with a mighty swing of her frying pan. The men ducked and stepped out of the way. "Get off!"

PANG!

The pan finally caught one of them on the back of the head and he fell to the floor.

"Aha," Sonya gave a triumphant shout. Then she fell onto her back as the other man tripped her. "Oof!"

"Haha!" the man said. Sonya just scowled and slammed the pan down on his foot. He howled in pain and hopped back on his other foot. Sonya got back to her feet and took a swing.

PANG!

The man crumpled.

"Hah," Sonya struck a cool pose and thumbed her nose. "Did I get 'em all?"

"S-Sonya!"

The bonde girl looked back to see the first man tighten a headlock hold on Eva. In his free hand he held a meat tenderizer mallet.

"Drop the pan," the man wheezed. His ruddy face was shiny with sweat.

"Okay, okay," Sonya held the frying pan out and the man watched it. She snuck her free hand in her pocket. "Easy…" Sonya bent down and set the frying pan on the floor. Her other hand came out of the pocket in a fist. She straightened up. "Now let her go."

"Step back."

"Okay," Sonya took a couple step back. "Okay?"

The man paused and the hand that held the mallet faltered. "Now…"

THWOCK!

Sonya pitched something at the man and it struck him square between the eyes. His grip loosened and Eva slipped out and ran to Sonya. The mallet clattered onto the floor.

"Oh my gosh!" despite being the taller girl, Eva ducked behind Sonya and shivered. "What did you do?"

Sonya walked around the two fallen men and Eva kept at her elbow. She picked up a mint green imperial- shaped yoyo. It was an old thing; scuffed in several places. Some of the plastic had chipped away and the string was frayed. "I threw this," she said.

_= = = Damn, Sonya. I didn't know you played with yoyos. = = = _

The Yippernicus turned, turned, turned ever so slowly. The fire ship loomed ever nearer. The lone enemy touched the fire of the torch to the deck, to the mast and to the sails and the entire ship went up in flames like a tinderbox. He dove into the water and was saved by his fellows.

"Ah crud!" Wally looked at the fire ship, which was headed straight for the schooner he was on. He looked at the Yippernicus, which was turning away from them. He looked at Lance, who lay on the deck, bleeding. "Ah crud! Cruddy-crud crud, crud, crud!" He took a deep breath. "Crud! What am I gonna do? I can't stay on this boat; it'll be crushed t'bits!" He looked around. "I need…floaties! Or something…"

Wally caught sight of the folded sails. "That's it!" He climbed up and, with a fold up knife that he kept in his pocket, cut the sails free. The sails dropped open and filled with wind.

"Yes," Wally folded his knife and landed on the deck. The schooner immediately began to move out of the way of the fire ship. "Woohoo!" Then he stopped and looked at the Yippernicus. He paled. "There's no way they're gonna make it."

BOOM!

The guns of the Yippernicus fired on the unmanned ship, hoping to sink her before she reached the frigate. The deck of the fire ship splintered and a sail was punctured, but there was no stopping her and there was no deflecting her.

"Oh no," Wally whispered. He would do something, but he was trapped on the damned boat. "Guys…"

"Bartie," Patton yelled from the bow. "I thought I told you to turn this ship!"

"I'm giving her all she's got, sir," Bartie said. "She's turning as fast as she can!"

"Captain," Patton turned on Nigel. "That fire ship's going to hit us. We have to abandon ship."

"We'll survive, Patton."

"What?" Patton growled. "What makes you think we'll survive if we stay here?"

"I just know."

"You just _know_?"

"She'll float, Patton. Trust me," Nigel's stormy blue eyes glared back at the First Mate. "I would get the hoses ready though."

Patton sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay," he yelled. "You, you," he barked at two boys. "Get the hoses ready!"

On the Mad Monday, Rachel and her crew stood on deck at the railing and in the rigging, gaping at the spectacle. All of them were awful tense.

"We should help," Mary-Lou said sadly. "We should be doing something to help those boys." Virginia frowned and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I know, Lou," she said. "But we've already done all we can. It's up to the boys now."

Rachel leaned forward, her knuckles white on the railing. "Come on," she whispered. "Dodge it, you sonovagun."

Two boys had already jumped ship into the water off the stern of the Yippernicus. Lee called for help and others trailed ropes in the water for them to grab so that they could be pulled back up. But they refused to take the ropes and swam some distance away.

"What, are, you thinking," A boy with short cropped hair and wetsuit bottoms took up handfuls of Nigel's coat lapels. "There is, no way, this ship, can dodge, something, like that!"

"Who are you?" Nigel asked.

"I, am the ship's, pilot!" the boy yelled. His baby blue eyes flashed. "Are, you crazy? Are you, insane? We are all, going, to die!"

Nigel pushed the boy away. "Get a hold of yourself, man. We are going to make it!"

BOOM.

The ship rocked and all the young men were thrown to the deck. There was a deep shuddering groan. It was as if the ship was moaning under them.

"I, knew it!" the boy cried. "We, are all, going, to die!"

Nigel looked to the bow and saw the tops of the masts of the fire ship. The flames leaped up past the tops of the masts and a thick column of black smoke was belched into the air.

And then, _and then,_ it stopped. The ship rocked back and forth a little more before it settled back into its swaying motion, but didn't seem worse for the wear. The boys with the hoses ran off to put out any fires there might have been on the hull. The fire ship kept on its path past the Yippernicus, still burning and sending up smoke. The mast collapsed.

Nigel got up, dusted himself off and adjusted his sunglasses. "See?" he said. "We're still alive." He offered a hand to the fallen boy. "What's your name, sailor?"

"Julius Verne," the young man said as he took Nigel's hand. "But, people call, me 20,000."

_= = = No, that is not his canon name. Yes, I did scour the Internets for the longest time for an appropriate one. I hope it fits him. = = = _

In the end, the little fleet of schooners were crushed. What was left of the enemy was tossed overboard and a few able-bodied crew members, including Kimberly, the Master Carpenter, were dispatched to examine the ships and retrieve the goods in their holds.

"Cabin Girl," Fanny shouted as she held an ice pack to her eye. "Where are you?"

Eva came out from within the boat. "Yes ma'am?"

"Swab the deck."

"Uhm…"

"Get a mop and bucket and clean it up."

Eva eyed the smudges and pools of red that covered the deck. "Eww…"

"Just do it," Fanny made her way over to Rachel, who stood before a growing pile of stolen goods. There were buckets and buckets of ice cream, gun ammo and powder, ropes, sails, weapons, barrels of supplies, bales of cloth, and money. So much money. There were chests of gold and silver and there were cases of cash. Rachel made some calculations on a clipboard as all the officers gathered around. Eva, unnoticed by the rest of the crew, steered her mop and bucket close to the group. Fanny lowered her ice pack.

"Well, lasses? What's the damage?"

"No one's too injured to work," Kuki rocked back and forth on her toes. "There's a few cuts and bumps and stuff, but I can patch them all up."

"We'll have to take apart a schooner for the material to fix up the ship," Kimberly said "It'll be a couple days before she's in prime condition again."

"None of the sails or the rigging were harmed in the attack, ma'am," Abby said.

"Good," Rachel passed the clipboard around. "Take a look and see what we can keep."

"How much money are we going to keep, Captain," Virginia asked as she skimmed the clipboard.

"I don't know. I still need to count it all up. I think these schooners were privateers too. The cash money is Sprinsthesia currency."

"So…the cash money's not ours to keep."

"Unfortunately, no," a wicked smile spread across Rachel's face. "The gold and silver's fair game, though."

The material goods were divided up according to the needs of the ship. The ice cream and the food supplies were taken to the ship's hold and the ropes were put into storage. Virginia and her gunners took all the ammunition and powder. The cash, the leftover gold and silver and the bolts of cloth were to be dropped off at a Springsthesia port when they came across one. The sails were hardly useful.

"Mary-Lou," Rachel said. "Bring us portside to the Yippernicus. We'll give them the stuff we don't need."

_= = = I do not envy Eva right now. Swabbing the deck's got to be grody stuff. = = = _

Wally stood by, looking quite sick, as Hoagie placed Lance onto the examination table in the medical bay. Hoagie looked at the bloody mess in the back of Lance's head and clicked his tongue.

"Is he gonna be okay, doc?"

"It looks like he was hit pretty badly," Hoagie turned on an x-ray machine. "I wouldn't be surprised if-holy mackerel!"

"What?"

"Well, I was about to say that his skull should be bashed in, but…it's not. He's got a metal plate in the back of his head!"

Lance coughed and groaned. Hoagie and Wally leaned in.

"Ugh, my head."

"Lance," Hoagie whispered. "Half of your skull is made of metal."

"Uh…of course it is," Lance muttered. "When my ship went down, she took a part of her with me. It's also the reason why I use a cane."

Hoagie and Wally looked at each other. "Badass," they whispered. Hoagie switched off the machine.

"Well, apart from that, you're all good to go, Lance. Just one more thing; I gotta stitch your head back together. Tommy!"

A boy appeared from behind a partition. He looked remarkably like Hoagie, except a little more light-weight. "Yeah? What is it?"

"Go out there with the other carpenters and inspect the ship."

"Oh really? You mean it?"

"Don't let me down," the big man frowned.

"Oh, I won't!" Tommy took his tools and flew out the door. "Thanks, Hoagie!"

Out on deck, the carpenters threw grappling lines over the sides of the ship and climbed down. Tommy stuck a hand into a good-sized hole in the hull and frowned. The shot didn't go all the way through the hull, so it would have to be dug out. After that, the splintered planks would have to be torn out and replaced. The whole routine would have to be repeated for all the holes found on the ship. Tommy sighed and climbed back up. At least there weren't any holes under the waterline; because then they would be taking on water. He and his brother also weren't the only carpenters on the ship. There was a sailor named Ted and there were others who were handy with tools.

Tommy met with Nigel as soon as he climbed back on board. Bound and gagged in the middle of the deck were all the enemy crew members who surrendered. Patton was in the middle of giving them all five insults per breath. Other sailors were dumping all the things they had found on the schooners into a pile next to the prisoners.

"How is the ship, sailor," Nigel asked. Tommy threw a salute.

"She's in pretty good shape, sir. We'll need to break up a couple schooners for the materials to fix her up though, Captain."

"I see."

Tommy grinned. "Are we gonna keep all those guys prisoner?"

Nigel's sunglasses flashed and the corners of his mouth twitched up a little. "No, we're going to do what I usually do with prisoners."

Only three of the enemy ships were left around the Yippernicus. Two of them were dismantled. The other one was modified in a special way. The rudder and the wheel were taken out, followed by the mast, the sails and all the rigging. Then the ship was given another once over to make sure everything useful was taken out. It became, for all intents and purposes, a wooden tub. All the prisoners, still bound and gagged, were dropped onto the useless thing and Nigel gave them a little salute before a little bomb in the hull went off, creating a small leak in the ship.

"Good day to you gentlemen," he said. "I hope this is a lesson to you: Don't mess with Springsthesia." Nigel turned to Patton. "Now, what next?"

Patton nodded dumbly to the other side of the ship. "Girls, sir."

"What?" Nigel looked around to see if anyone else could tell him what was going on, but all the crew members were just as dazed as Patton. Lance hobbled out onto the deck with his head covered in bandages. He frowned at the scene before him. Nigel shrugged. He and Lance walked over to the other side and peered over the railing to see the Mad Monday.

"Captain Uno," Rachel shouted up at them. Fanny scowled up at them. "Mister Lance."

"Captain McKenzie," the both of them said.

"You better get yourself together, Nigel" Rachel grinned. The girls giggled behind her. "That's what? The second time we've saved you? Commanding a new ship is no excuse."

"If it's the second time, then that makes us even," Nigel looked at her from over his sunglasses. "Did you come here to brag?"

"I had hoped to hear a 'thank you,'" Rachel said. "Permission to come aboard, Captain? There's a few things we want to give you."

"Come on up, then," Nigel said, then looked back to see his own crew still gaping at the girls. "Well?"

"Uh, yeah!" Patton shook his head. "Get the planks, you useless idiots! Get your eyes back in your heads! Move it!"

The wide planks were put into place to create a ramp between the two ships. Rachel and few other girls walked up and onto the Yippernicus, carrying a few things between them. Boys rushed forward to take the things from them. Rachel walked up to Lance and Nigel.

"Lance, what happened to your head?"

"It's only a scratch," Lance tried to hide his cane behind him. "I'm fine, really."

"I see. Well, I'm glad you're okay," Rachel turned to Nigel. "Rumor has it that you're still single."

Nigel coughed. "Uhm…"

"You awful man," Rachel shook her head. "How can you leave someone standing at the altar?"

"It wasn't my fault. I had to report for duty on my wedding day."

"You could have changed the wedding date."

"Yeah, I guess I could have."

"Perhaps you just conveniently forgot about that."

"…Maybe."

"Oh, you _are_ an awful man," Rachel sighed. "Why would you do that to your fiancé?"

"I don't know. I just…uhm…"

"There's got to be a reason," Rachel said. "I'm kind of curious as to what that is. Why don't you think about it and tell me the next time we meet?"

"I know! Let's have an ice cream party," Kuki shouted.

"Yeah!" Wally grinned. "We can break out some soda, too!"

"What do you think, Rachel," Nigel asked. "Why don't you and your crew stay a while?"

"Are yeh daft?" Fanny shrieked. "Do you know what they mean by 'soda,' Captain? Let me give you a hint: it's made with hops!"

"Don't knock it 'till you try it," Patton waggled his eyebrows at her. Fanny stared at him with the utmost look of disbelief.

"Hmm," something glinted in Rachel's eye as she stepped away. "Tempting, but no. We just started plundering, Nigel. It's too early to start celebrating. Maybe in a couple months." She turned and called to her crew. The girls whined and pouted, but Fanny put her foot down. The plank was put away and the sails of the Mad Monday filled with wind.

"See you later, Nigel," Rachel waved as the girls pulled away. The sloop soon disappeared into the horizon. Patton sighed.

"All those girls…gone. Poof. Just like that."

Nigel shot him a look. "Don't blame at me; it wasn't my fault they left."

"Eh," Patton clapped him on the shoulder. "I think the boys are already getting started on that soda. Want any?"

Nigel shook his head. "No thanks, Patton. You go ahead and have one for me."

Patton shrugged and turned to get himself a can. It would be the last time anyone saw him sober for the rest of the night. It seemed that each young man had himself a couple cans of soda. A few brawls broke out as the night wore on. Boys tested their strength against each other in arm wrestling matches and five-finger fillet games. Lance and Nigel stood at the helm with Bartie Stork and ignored the ruckus. Bartie calmly sipped from his can of soda.

"Crazy party huh, sirs?" Bartie gave a nervous smile. "There's soda, ice cream…"

"Yeah!" Patton swaggered up and clapped Bartie on the back. "All it needs are some girls! You know?"

Bartie flushed bright red and Patton grinned.

"Yeah, you know."

"No wonder Captain McKenzie left," Lance muttered. "She must have known we'd get this rowdy."

"Yeah. I don't think it's in the best interest of her or her crew to stick around while we're all drunk," Nigel unhooked Patton's arm from around Bartie's neck and pushed him away. "Especially when we outnumber them."

"Sorry for prying, Nigel, but I can't help but wonder; why did you leave your fiancé at the altar?"

"I…I don't know," Nigel said. "Believe me, Lance. I've thought about it ever since I stepped foot on this ship. I still don't have an answer."

"You've got months to figure it out."

"Hopefully, it won't take that long."

Several hardy hamsters came up from the lower decks with a bag of candy and a pack of cards. The boys stared, then dug into their pockets. A table was cleared and a couple of them sat down to a friendly game of cards. The peace only lasted one hand.

"That's a fifth ace!" Wally shouted and flung his cards at the winning hamster. "Lying, dirty, cheating rat!"

"Ay, you tell 'em, Wally," Patton raised his can before tipping it back. A nearby hamster jumped on his stomach. "Hey!"

The hamster squeaked and waggled a paw at him.

"A fifth ace is a fifth ace, man," Patton shrugged.

The hamster squeaked again.

"Oh, like you could do any better," Patton rolled his eyes.

The hamster stared. Patton sighed.

"Fine. A whole bag of Warheads says you're a lousy cheater. If I catch you, you lose."

The hamster nodded, then scampered over to the table.

_= = = Here is something that sums up Patton's feelings nicely. It's kind of crude. Don't say I didn't warn you_: http (colon) /www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=9Wl_uQOABxg

Rachel popped open a bottle of soda and leaned on the railing next to Abby, who cracked a lollipop between her teeth. Paper lanterns were strung up to provide extra lighting for the party that in full swing on the deck. Kuki and Sonya led the other girls in creating an unusually crass version of "Miss Susie," which Virginia's powder monkeys took up with fervor. Hamsters scuttled around draped in candy necklaces. Abby tipped her hat back.

"All of 'em must've lost their minds."

Rachel chuckled. "Let them have their fun. It's not like we're going to be able to do this all the time."

Virginia walked over to Fanny with an extra bottle of soda. Mary-Lou made as if to hold her back, but settled for chewing on a fingernail instead.

"Miss Fulbright, ma'am. Want some soda?"

"No soda fer me, miss Sims," Fanny said. "I'm an officer. Got to keep sober, yeh know."

"Oh," Virginia winked at Mary-Lou, who looked horrified at the proceedings. "I getcha. It's okay if you can't hold your soda, ma'am."

Fanny stared. "'Can't hold her…' Don't yeh know what I am? Give me that," Fanny snatched the bottle from Virginia's hand. "I'll show you who can keep her soda."

"Oh no," Rachel frowned as Fanny chugged.

"What is it," Abby asked.

"Fanny's going to get drunk," Rachel sighed. "And I'm going to have to deal with her. Thanks, Virginia. Thanks a lot."

Abby watched as Virginia put up a hand for a high-five, but Mary-Lou just glared at her. "She must be very sorry."

"Hmm."

"Why are you so interested in why Nigel got cold feet?"

"Depending on the reason; if he did it once, he'll do it again," Rachel said.

"Looking to get hitched?"

"Not in the slightest," Rachel said. "I'm looking for ships to sink."

"And what about after the war?"

"If I'm still alive? I don't know. Maybe I'll open up a restaurant. People like food. Oh no," Rachel watched as Fanny got into a drinking match with Eva. "This is not going to end well."

_= = = "…ask me no more questions, tell me mo more lies/the boys are in the girls' room, zipping down their/flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park/Miss Susie and her boyfriend are kissing in the…" = = = _

D-A-R-K D-A-R-K, Dark, Dark!

Thanks to some awesome advice, this chapter is now filled with more goodies. I hope it reads better.

Lance wears a helmet in the cartoon. It's ridiculous that he should wear a helmet on the ship, so I gave him a metal skull instead. Also, I would want to see a drinking match between Fanny and Patton, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

– Arty

**Glossary:**

Fire Ship: This ship isn't a particular kind of ship; it's one that's loaded up with gunpowder and other flammable things. Fire ships are sacrifices. They're set on fire and rammed into other ships to cause as much destruction as possible. It's like how Nigel Uno used his ship against the candy pirates in the beginning of ZERO. His ship essentially became a fire ship.

Pilot: He knows what the ship is capable of. When the ship is steered into shallow waters, he's the one who stands at the bow and tells the helmsman which way to steer.


	5. Ships' Logs 1

_= = = I was _this close_ to not posting a chapter this week. _This close_. = = = _

**Mad Monday Ship's Log: **

It's kind of alarming to wake up in the morning to see hamsters on your stomach. They think we're giant heating pads while we sleep, you see. When I woke up that first morning, I found no less than five of the furballs with me in my hammock. I'd continue to see them every morning after that, which leads me to believe that each hamster on board has their favorite sailor to cuddle with. I have no idea who takes care of the hamsters and I don't know how they even get into the other parts of the ship. I just know that they're not there when I got to sleep, and that they're there when I wake up. The morning treks to the bathrooms are taken with care not to step on the hamsters who are already scuttling back to where they come from.

I've been taken in by some of the officers on the ship; we eat together and in the evenings, when we all have free time, we sit together and talk. We're all a proper bunch of rogues. Well, everyone except for Mary-Lou.

Mary-Lou Sarah-Jane Jones is the helmswoman, and it's kind of appropriate that she is. You see, she's rather religious and it seems that she tries her best to steer everyone in the right direction; the Christian direction. There's a crucifix hanging from around her neck and there's a mini New Testament tucked into her pocket. I once took a look at it; it was falling apart. She's rifled through it so many times. There were a lot of hi-lighted parts. On Sunday mornings, Mary-Lou stands at the helm with a travel radio clipped to her belt and she listens to sermons through headphones.

This doesn't mean she's lily-white. We know she's not, because she gets mad when someone makes a lewd joke. It's kind of surprising that she's always hanging out with Virginia Sims, because that girl's just chock full of lewd jokes.

Virginia's very rough around the edges. There's a large, shiny burn scar on the outside of her left arm and she doesn't bother to hide it. I wish she'd hide it. It scares me when I see it. It's very ugly and it looks very painful.

"I don't hide it because it reminds me," Virginia says. "To be careful around the guns."

She doesn't talk about what happened much. That's okay. I'd rather hear her plethora of dirty jokes than what happened to her arm.

When Virginia isn't hanging out with Mary-Lou, (which is every Sunday,) she's hanging out with Kimberly, the ship carpenter. It's probably because they share the same workshop. I've only been in there to help clean up. It's somewhere on the lower decks of the ship, because the machines and tools are heavy and I've been told that all the weight will help balance the ship. Kimberly's also got some scars. They're not very noticeable at all and the only reason why I know of them is because Kimberly pointed them out to me herself in order to warn me to be careful around the machines.

The first past injury she pointed out to me was a missing joint from her right pinky. She was careless, like how Virginia was careless, and she paid for it. So she tells me to be careful too.

I don't think I'm going to be in the workshop much.

Kimberly's hands are forever stained with oil and grease and her hair is cropped short, like a boy's. She tells me that it's easier to maintain that way and that it's also so that her hair doesn't get tangled up in the machines. She tells me that whenever I'm in the workshop, I have to keep my hair up, or else the machines will catch a lock and rip off a part of my scalp.

I hope that doesn't happen.

Despite her missing joint, Kimberly keeps on working with the tools and the machines. She's good at what she does.

There are also Sonya and Kuki, of course. They eat with us too. The both of them are always chatting and singing. I think they make it their business to know all the rhymes in the world and it's always interesting to hear them bust out some obscure thing that none of us have heard since we were all five or something.

The first morning after we saved my cousin and his crew, I had a raging hangover, because I somehow got into a drinking match with Fanny. That girl can guzzle anything as if it were water. I don't think she measures her intake by pints or tankards. I think she measures them by barrels. That's how she's able to drink so damn much.

At any rate. I had a hangover. I did not envy Fanny for her inevitable hangover either. I went down to the galley to work and Sonya took one look at me and laughed.

"Yeah, no," she said. "You're not handling a knife right now, Eva." She pointed at a tray of food. "Take that to the stateroom, will you?"

I looked at the tray. There were two serving of everything.

"I don't understand," I said. "Why are there two of everything?"

"Just do it," she said. So I took the tray and left.

I should probably introduce you to a special journalist's tool that I have. Ta-da! It's a little sound recorder! This is how I can recall conversations with such stunning accuracy. This little baby's saved me from so many tight spots before and it's put countless baddies in jail. Okay, maybe only three, but that's good enough, don't you think?

At any rate, I went into the state room and I found Rachel sitting at her desk, looking at a map.

"Good morning, Eva," she said. "Put the food down there."

"You're going to eat all this, ma'am?"

"Don't be silly," Rachel said. "How can I eat all that?" Then she turned to the door off to the side; the door that led to her private room. "Fanny!"

"Mmph."

"Food's here. Get up."

"My head…"

"Serves you right for guzzling all that soda last night," Rachel shuffled some papers. "Thank you, Eva. You are dismissed."

I left and went back to the galley. Everyone in the group was there at our table already. I sat down with them. Virginia nudged me.

"What's the matter, red? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I…uhh. I just came back from giving the Captain her breakfast."

Virginia slapped the table and laughed. "Oh no!" She grinned at Sonya. "You sent her to the stateroom?"

"Oh, I did, didn't I?" Sonya said. She looked very guilty. "I'm sorry. I totally forgot she was new here."

"What did you see?" Virginia scooted closer to me. "Don't be shy. Tell us."

"Don't tell her a thing," Mary-Lou said. "It'll just feed her theories."

"What theories?"

"Don't lie; Fanny was in Rachel's room, huh?" Virginia nudged me in the ribs. "Huh?"

I didn't say anything, but something must have shown on my face, because Virginia's grin widened.

"It's because Fanny got drunk last night, right?" I said. "It's because Rachel had to take care of her, right?"

"Ugh," Mary-Lou rolled her eyes. "There is nothing between them, you know. They're like room-mates. They just share the room and that's it."

"There's only one bed in that room," Virginia waggled her eyebrows and Mary-Lou glowered. "I think it's cute."

"It is not cute. It is preposterous. It is abhorrent."

"Abby thinks that it isn't any of our business what they do. As long as it don't interfere with their duties, Abby don't give a damn."

"I second that," Kimberly said.

"But it's so romantic!" Virginia made a great show of putting her hands over her heart. _"Dropping like rain/After long sultry drouth;/Shaking with aguish fear, and pain,/She kissed and kissed her with hungry mouth…"_

"No!" Mary-Lou started smacking Virginia with her little New Testament. "No, no, no!"

"Hey!" Virginia put up her hands to defend herself. "I'm just saying!"

"Then you better shut up," Mary-Lou crossed her arms. "I mean it. They are not like that. They don't act like it."

"I went on a date with a girl once," Kuki said.

"Really?" Virginia looked at her as if she were giving away free puppies. "Tell me more."

"No!" Mary-Lou said. "Don't say anything. You'll just encourage her."

"It went really well," Kuki said. "Until she found out I wasn't a boy."

There was a silence.

"Kuki," Virginia said. "You're a crossdresser?"

"What? Is that what it's called? Well, it was only once," Kuki shrugged. "I don't think it counts."

"That is awesome."

"So what's the story behind the Captain and the First Mate?" I asked.

"They've always stayed in the stateroom together," Abby said. "That's just how it is."

"I forget about that all the time," Sonya said. "They don't act like they're…you know."

"You know what I heard?" Virginia lowered her voice. "I heard that Fanny was supposed to get _married_."

"Where did you hear that," Kimberly asked. "I've never seen a ring on her finger."

"Then why is she on this ship?" I asked. "Her fiancé must be really cool with her going to war."

"That's just it, isn't it," Virginia practically purred. "I think that he _wasn't_ okay and that they broke up. And now Fanny's here on the Mad Monday, seeking solace in Rachel's arms."

"Are you listening to yourself?" Mary-Lou snapped. "You sound like a bad writer in a trashy romance novel."

"I agree," I said.

"I've never heard of Fanny having a fiancé in the first place," Kimberly said. "The guy would have to have the patience of a saint."

"You know what?" Abby pointed at Virginia. "Abby thinks you crazy. And she is gon' go out and work now. Peace out."

"Bye, Abby."

Abby left. Kimberly left too. Virginia and Mary-Lou made faces at each other.

Sonya sighed. "I'm sorry I sent you up there, Eva. Does this bother you?"

"Not really," I said. "I'm more curious than anything else. And all of this is just rumor so far. We might just be making a big deal out of nothing."

"Exactly," Mary-Lou said.

I don't know what to think. But I'm going to get a good look at Fanny's left hand the next chance I get.

**End Ship's Log. **

_= = = Virginia, you are such a nut. = = = _

**Yippernicus Ship's Log: **

My head is much better. The headaches have subsided and Master Gilligan tells me that the stitches are healing well. My hair's also growing back. I still cover my head though. I don't want to scare the crew.

The crew isn't as tight-knit as the crew of my old ship. This ship is like a city and every day I think I see a new face. That's alright. I expected it to be that way.

There are a few men I talk to on a regular basis. Surprisingly, one of the men I do not talk to much is Captain Nigel. He stands at the railing most days. Alone. He is thinking; always thinking. I don't blame him. He's got a lot to think about. He's left alone too, because the ship is run between me and Patton.

I don't understand why Patton isn't a captain. He is well liked by the crew and he knows exactly what to do in any situation. At any rate, he's the go-to guy when things need to be done.

There is also Lee, the Master Rigger. The boy is constantly practicing fighting with yoyos and it wasn't until I talked to him that I learned that the world of yoyos has become a lot more complicated since I last had one. My only yoyo was a Christmas gift from an older relative who didn't know me very well. It had some kind of mechanism. A brain.

Needless to say, Lee does not think very highly of those kinds of yoyos. He was polite about it, but I knew he hated them. So I ask him about one in his collection and he talked about it for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Patton had to save me. He had good timing. He interfered right as Lee brought out his case.

Yes, a case. Lee has a case for his yoyos. It's got foam padding and there's a special pocket for each and every one of them. It's even got spare parts. Yoyos have parts now. It's insane.

I can forgive Lee his zeal for yoyos. I can get that way about bikes. Besides; Lee can fight with his yoyos. I can't throw bikes at bad guys, can I?

Then there is Wally. He won't say a word of why he needed to be on this ship, but that's alright. It's not important that I know.

I hope that Wally does not find out that the two hamsters he played with that first night cheated him out of his soda. I know they were cheating because Patton explained it to me. The man caught every last trick they pulled and at the end of the night, they gave a pack of Warheads to him.

Patton ended up giving the candy to Wally. It was good of him to do that. Wally deserves a break. It didn't go over so well though.

"I don't take no cruddy pity candy," Wally had said. He likes to say 'cruddy' a lot. "If you want to give me that, then I'll fight you for it!"

And they fought. It was epic. Many things were broken and afterwards the carpenters complained about all the extra work. For all the broken things, no one won the fight. It was a draw. And of course neither man was happy about that. They have come up with the idea of training together and then having a rematch this Saturday. It's catching on. A lot of the crew are interested in training with them and starting a fight club. I'm interested in joining too. But not fighting. Not yet. Master Gilligan is not letting me anywhere near a boxing ring while I've got stitches. But if I train enough, then maybe I can finally get rid of this stupid cane.

There's no pain when I walk; I just can't really walk on my own yet. I tend to lean to the left. Sometimes I fall over. It's embarrassing. The crew members look elsewhere when I wobble. They do it out of pity. They think that if they don't look, then that'll save my self esteem somehow.

It doesn't.

Anyways, Mister Bartie Stork, our humble helmsman, has turned out to be quite the bookworm. I'm not talking about comics either, though there are comics he reads. I caught him at the helm with a book of Shakespeare's sonnets one day. He was trying to memorize a sonnet.

"For a girl?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. He blushed. He's a little bashful. The others give him a hard time about it sometimes. "It's for a girl."

What a lucky boy.

We've seen no action since the ten schooners. The ship's been repaired and we've been patrolling our little stretch of the ocean, but we see no enemies. A fleet of Springsthesia ships passed through three days ago, but that was it. It's a good thing the fight club's started up, or else the men would get restless.

This morning we got news of how Springsthesia had opened negotiations with Summersia. There are some who hope that there will be an alliance, but I'm skeptical. Summersia's track record when it comes to politics isn't the best. At any rate, we are not to attack any of their ships. We shall see what they do.

**End Ship's Log. **

_= = = Crack Pairing: KimberlyxLance. Now you're thinking about it. WHAT HAVE I STARTED? = = = _

There is no proof anywhere in the show about KimberlyxLance. I don't even think they know the other one exists. That will not stop people from pairing random characters together. (I mean, at least do it for the lulz, amirite?) This isn't even a new phenomenon; Shakespeare paired off random characters in his comedies.

I honestly did not plan on updating this week, but I'm glad I did. I didn't think I would because I was working on the other story; the story that I won't post until it's all finished. Ever since I've started that other story though, I've become used to writing up chapters that have excess of 4,000+ words. So now these little chunks are easy for me to belt out. But I have to have a loose plan before I sit down to write, otherwise it's poop.

Practice, practice, practice. It does a body good.

- Arty


	6. Man Overboard

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = More experimenting! Hopefully, amidst all this half-assery, I have come up with something good. = = = _

Fanny lay on the bed in the stateroom and stared at her left hand. There was a faint band of skin around her ring finger that was slightly lighter colored than the rest of her skin. It wasn't very noticeable, but Fanny knew about it and so to her it was as obvious as day was to night. She knew Rachel noticed it as well. Rachel knew everything. She had to. She was down on the list as the maid of honor. But when the war came up and the Mad Monday crew was drafted into service, Fanny simply dropped everything to do her part and Rachel had accepted her and not said another word on the matter.

It irked Fanny to no end.

Of course, Fanny had no idea whatsoever of what Rachel thought about her engagement. She seemed happy for her. She had always seemed supportive enough and she didn't say a word against the whole thing, but she didn't exactly express any remorse over the break up when it happened.

Wait. That was wrong. Fanny dropped her hand in favor of frowning at the ceiling. There was something she said, before the relationship turned serious, that Fanny had put the back of her mind.

"Are you sure about him," Rachel had asked. They stood at the bow of the Mad Monday. "He's rather old school."

"He's just being protective of me," Fanny had said. "He's being a gentleman. He was brought up that way."

"There is a difference between chivalry and chauvinism," Rachel said. Fanny turned and walked away and the two of them didn't speak again until the end of the voyage. And it was Rachel who broke the silence and apologized.

It seemed that was the end of it. Fanny thought and thought and thought some more and realized that Rachel was right. She was right about everything. The proof was that Fanny was on the ship right now. The proof was in the missing ring. The proof was in the letter that she had written Thaddeus.

Fanny knew that Rachel knew that too. And yet she didn't gloat or try to rub it in. She didn't say anything about him; Thaddeus had become a rather taboo subject between them.

A hamster crawled up onto Fanny's stomach. She watched it as it curled up over her navel and went to sleep. Fanny suspected that they used the vents to crawl around, but she didn't think it worthwhile to go around blocking them off. They were there for a reason.

She sighed. Who was she kidding? She loved Thaddeus. Or Thad. That was what he was to her while they were engaged. He was smooth, charming and very classy. He was the kind of man who stuck out his pinky while he drank tea and he knew exactly why it was done that way. And while Fanny would have liked gifts of the odd plushie toy or a new camogie stick, she had gotten books written by Sarah Stickney Ellis.

At first they were wonderful. The books had whole passages dedicated to describing the superiority of women. But then they were only superior in morality. And then they had to keep men in line. It admitted that while women could be smart, they were still inferior to men. And so they must concede power to their fathers, husbands and brothers. Such a woman who did all that was _perfect_. And of course women were that kind of perfect _all the time_.

Fanny had thrown the books away in horror. Screw that. Screw being 'perfect.'

_Oh, Thad,_ Fanny had thought. A sharp pain had settled in her chest. _Is that what you want?_

If it was, then he would have to find it somewhere else. Fanny would never fit the outline in Ellis' books. She was much too willful. Too wild. And Fanny liked herself that way.

Fanny blinked. The door opened and Rachel stepped in.

"There you are," she said. Then she peered closer. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. What is it?"

Rachel frowned, but didn't press. "Abby's spotted a ship. A galleon. We're going to take it down."

_= = = If you don't want to take Fanny's (or my) word for it, then you can read some of Ellis' work here for yourself: _http (colon) /webapp1 (dot) dlib (dot) Indiana (dot) edu/vwwp/view?docId=VAB7198

Nigel stood at the window of the stateroom, holding his beanie in his hands. His p-coat was draped over the chair of his desk behind him. It was a beautiful day. It was very quiet, even with Lance messing around at the communications terminal behind him. It reminded him of this past winter. He remembered when one of those days had found him on the couch, in sweatpants and a comfy sweater, with a blanket tucked around him. His pet hen, Miss Tenders, had slept next to him. She slept often.

Their peace was shattered by Lizzie, who stomped into the room, snatched the TV remote from Nigel and said, "Nigie! Nigie, we are out of ice cream!"

Miss Tenders squawked and flopped onto the floor, a flurry of feathers. She flapped her wings and ran out of the room. Nigel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Lizzie," he had said. "It's winter. It's around 50 degrees out. There is snow on the ground. Why would you want ice cream?"

"Please," Lizzie begged. She pushed her bottom lip forward in a pout. "Please, Nigie?"

"Do you want to go together?"

"Oh no," Lizzie said. "You go."

Nigel sighed again and got up. "Alright."

He pulled on his coat, scarf and boots and went out. As soon as he stepped out, snow whipped him in the face. He fumbled with the keys and get into the car.

The store was empty. There was a pimply teenager mopping the isles. A middle aged woman stood behind the checkout counter and smacked gum as she watched a soap opera on a mini television set.

"Ice cream," Nigel went to the frozen food section. Which ice cream did Lizzie want? Whatever it was, it had to be sugar free. She was rather self conscious about what she put into her body nowadays. It's didn't seem to help anything, and Nigel just assumed it was some kind of placebo effect or something like that.

"Nigel?"

Nigel looked and saw Rachel. She was dressed very warmly and the frost on her jacket hadn't melted yet. Her nose was red from the cold.

"Rachel."

"What are you doing here? There's a blizzard going on outside."

"Lizzie wants some ice cream."

Rachel stared. "But it's cold."

"Exactly. What are you out here for?"

"Firewood," Rachel raised a wrapped log. "It's the kind that burns in all sorts of colors."

"That sounds pretty cool."

"Where is your hat?"

"…Hat?"

"Oh my gosh," Rachel whispered. She grabbed Nigel's sleeve and set off through the store like that. "You are going to die of cold."

Nigel chuckled and let her pull him through the store. There was a clothes rack in the skin care aisle. Rachel let go of Nigel and dropped the firewood. Then she took a beanie off the rack and pulled it over Nigel's head and over his ears. It was very snug and Rachel's hands lingered over Nigel's temples.

"You look good in a hat," she said.

"Yeah?" Nigel mumbled. They were very close.

"Yeah," Rachel pulled away and picked the firewood back up. "Here," she shoved a hand into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled five dollar bill, which she pressed into Nigel's palm. "It'll be my treat…"

Nigel's fingers curled around Rachel's hand and she trailed off.

"Thank you," he said. Rachel's eyes flickered up to his and Nigel saw…a lot of things in them. It was strange. He had never been looked at like that before.

"See you later, Nigel," Rachel turned and disappeared around the corner. Nigel found that he had wanted to go after her.

Nigel turned the beanie around his hands and stared out at the calm ocean. What the hell was he doing with his life? What did he plan to do when he caught up with her? What did he plan to say? A whole lot of nothing, that's what. Perhaps also a whole of something that would have been inappropriate. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He should have gone after her.

Lance sat at the communications desk in Nigel's stateroom. His cane leaned against his knee.

"Take a look at this, sir," he said. Nigel's grunt was barely heard from his place at the window. "We have a bounty on our heads. We're wanted alive."

"Uh huh."

Lance frowned. "Miss Devine sent you a message."

"Oh," Nigel finally snapped out of his stupor. "Where is it?"

"Here, sir," Lance tapped a little icon on the computer screen. He took his cane and eased up. "I'll be on the deck if you need me."

"Thank you, Lance," Nigel looked at the screen, then froze. "No!" He bellowed. "Not Miss Tenders! Not Miss Tenders! You leave her alone!"

"Time to go," Lance limped out the door and made his way up the stairs. He bumped into young Paddy Fulbright, who looked as if ready to smash something to bits. "Uh…Mister Fulbright?"

"Yes, sir," Paddy said. "Drilovsky told me t'get you. You're needed on deck."

"What is it?" Lance let the young man lead him up onto the deck and frowned when Paddy slowed down to match his pace.

"Lee spotted a man overboard. We pulled him up," Paddy pointed to a crowd of boys on the deck. Hoagie pushed boys apart to get through.

"Aren't you glad we saved someone, Mister Fulbright," Lance asked.

Paddy looked away and said nothing. Lance sighed.

"Very well. Let's see what we've got."

Paddy pushed through the crowd a little bit more roughly than was necessary, but Lance overlooked it and followed him in.

"Get back," Hoagie shouted. "Give the man some air!"

Lance finally broke through to see the saved person. He was drenched. His orange hair was matted against his head and around his neck there was a cravat. He also wore a double-breasted vest, a linen shirt and trousers.

"Lance," Patton clapped him on the shoulder and the corners of his mouth twitched uncontrollably. "It's about time you showed up."

"What is going on?" Lance whispered. Patton snickered and cleared his throat. "Did he fall off a costume cruise? Like a convention or something? He's dressed like he's straight out of the 19th century."

"Hell if I know," Patton turned away from the poor man and grinned. "He was just floating all on his lonesome when we found him. On a door."

Lance took Patton's arm and led him out of the crowd. "What are we going to do? This isn't a cruise, Patton; this is a warship. He didn't sign up to go to war. It's not fair to keep him with us."

"So what do you want to do, take him back to Springsthesia? We could lose precious time! What if he's Autumnopolis?"

The two of them looked back at the crowd, who burst into cheers. The man must have woken up.

"Maybe he can fight," Lance suggested. Patton snickered. "Patton…"

"Okay sorry. Geeze. I just can't take that dandy seriously, okay?" Patton shrugged. "I mean, did you even look at him?"

"Yes. Anyone would look pitiful if they were half drowned," Lance paused as Patton grimaced.

"That wasn't what I meant."

"Hmm," Lance shrugged and turned back to the crowd. "Well, might as well ask what's happened to him. He might surprise us." The two of them made their way back to find the stranger sitting up with a blanket draped around his shoulders.

"What's your name," Lance asked. The stranger's teeth chattered.

"Thaddeus," he said. "Thaddeus Payne."

"Very well, Mister Payne," Lance looked around. "Paddy?"

"Uhm sir," Lee gave him a slight elbow nudge. "He doesn't want to have anything to do with this guy."

"He said that?" Lance turned away so that Thaddeus wouldn't hear them.

"Not exactly. He said…uh…I'm pretty sure he's not going anywhere near this guy."

"Okay, fine," Lance frowned. "I guess I can make sure he's settled in myself." He turned back to Thaddeus. "Shall we get you some dry clothes?"

"Please," he sniffled and got to his feet.

_= = = I hope Lizzie hasn't done anything horrible to Miss Tenders. = = = _

Thaddeus came back out of the bathrooms with a fresh pair of trousers and a linen shirt. Lance nodded and led him down to the hammocks.

"What brings you out to the open seas at this time, Mister Payne," Lance asked. "There's a war, you know."

"I was looking for my fiancé," Thaddeus said.

"What happened to her?"

"Cold feet, I suppose. Woke up one day and she was gone."

"I'm sorry about that."

"It's nothing. She just needs some…persuasion to come back."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I mean, don't get me wrong; she's rather stubborn, but she'll see it my way in the end."

"Hmm," Lance chose not to say anything about that. Instead he said, "You think she's out at sea?"

"Yes."

"Hmm. This is a warship, Mister Payne. Can you fight?"

"I had formal fencing lessons."

Lance stared. "…Is…is that all?"

"Yes."

Lance sighed. "We'll drop you back in Springsthesia next week."

"No," Thaddeus' eyes widened and he took a step towards Lance. "Don't do that! Please don't. If I stay on this ship, I'll find my fiancé again. I can feel it. Please let me stay!"

"Eeh," Lance raised his cane to keep Thaddeus at bay. "I'll ask the Captain."

_= = = Better ask him while he's distracted about Miss Tenders, Lance. = = = _

Now you know who Thaddeus Payne is. He's a pain in the ass (lawl). This chapter would have been up earlier, but I got lazy and opened up Photoshop and put together a sketchdump. And then it was twelve midnight and this chapter was only 1000 words long. So I had to work on it. I hope you enjoyed it.

Damn, I could go for a chicken sandwich right now…

– Arty

**Glossary: **

Sarah Stickney Ellis: A Victorian age writer who wrote about the role of women in society. Everything she wrote about women is a backhanded compliment. This woman could not die fast enough, IMHO.

Galleon: Galleons are also known as merchant ships, or trading ships. They are quicker than Frigates and slightly smaller. Galleons that were outfitted for piracy could have around 60+ guns and could be crewed by 145 men. _The Sweet Revenge_ and _The Root Canal_ (captained by Stickybeard and Black John Licorice, respectively) are galleons…I think.


	7. The Sweet Revenge

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = Arrrgh you guys, what the eff am I doing? What am I doing with my life? Whatever, I'll be okay after I blow something up. = = = _

Rachel led the way onto the deck. The surrounding seas were clear, save for the galleon that Rachel had mentioned. The sails of the galleon were furled and the Mad Money practically skipped over the surface of the water to it. Abby joined them at the railing.

Fanny frowned. "That ship looks awfully familiar."

"I'll say it is," Abby said. Her chin was raised and her eyes, usually hidden by the bill of her red hat, glittered in defiance. "When Abby pointed it out to you, she didn't mean to go attack it. She meant to run away."

"Galleons are chock full of things," Rachel said. "Why would we run away?"

"That ain't a regular trading ship," Abby said. "That there is the _Sweet Revenge_."

Fanny stared. "What?"

"You heard what I said. What are we gonna do now?"

"Mary-Lou," Rachel turned to the Helmswoman, who took her headphones off. "Turn the ship."

"We'll miss them, Captain," Mary-Lou said. "All according to plan. If the ship turns any more, the gunners won't be able to aim."

"She means retreat," Fanny shouted. Rachel cringed at the last word. "Are yeh thick?"

"Whu…"

"It's a _pirate ship_," Abby said. The whole deck got quiet and everyone looked at Rachel. Eva took out her recorder and switched it on.

"Dammit," Rachel muttered. She turned to the rail and Abby and Fanny followed suit to make a huddle. "If it was any other crew, we would win. Hands down. But pirates are the worst. They have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There's nothing we can do against that kind of motivation."

"So we run," Fanny said.

"It ain't gonna be that easy," Abby said. "All the sails are out and they're full o' wind. The way we're going now, we're gonna have to fight 'em."

"Oh, dammit," Rachel swore again. The galleon, turned broadside towards them, got closer and Fanny could read the name off the stern. A black pirate flag was raised on the tallest mast.

"Well at least they won't kill us," Rachel added when she saw the flag.

"Uh huh," Abby stared. "You know, Abby would really like to make it back home in one piece. She has things to do, people to see, dates to go on. Ya dig? What are we gonna go?"

"Prepare for combat; it's inevitable," Rachel continued talking over Fanny's yelling at the crew, who got to their feet and started running all over the deck. "We also need to get out of here. Furl the sails; they're big targets. Get hamster power instead. And…" Rachel paused and looked back at the helm. "Mary-Lou! Come on. Please get up. You can pray while standing, right? While steering the ship?"

Mary-Lou's face was full of dismay. "But…PIRATES."

"I know, I know! But it's like…uh, it's like that one quote? They're always using it…"

"_What would Jesus do?"_ Fanny offered. She held Rachel's weapons out to her and Rachel took them and strapped them on.

"No! Not that one. Definitely not that one. It's…shoot. Oh," Rachel snapped her fingers. "_God helps those who help themselves!_"

"Dangit!" Mary-Lou groaned.

"Yeah, that's right," Rachel jabbed a finger at her. "Can't play the helpless victim anymore, can you? Get back to work."

"I think we just sailed within range, ma'am," Fanny said. "Shall the gunners fire?"

"Ye-"

BOOM.

Mary-Lou screamed as the ship rocked. Fanny and Rachel grabbed the railing in order to stay upright.

"Damage report, now," Rachel shouted.

"Gumwads," Fanny said. "Lots of gumwads."

The wide, pink wads of gum were stuck fast to the side of the ship. Rachel and Fanny watched as Virginia and Kimberly peeked out of the portholes beneath them and gasped.

"Oh no!"

"What the freaking hell," Virginia's voice carried up to the two officers. "Gum? Really? That's gonna take forever to get off."

"Look," Abby called out and pointed to something in the water. "Ol' Stickybun's been upgraded since Abby saw him last."

Stands of gum stretched from the wads on the ship, ran through the water, and led all the way back to the Sweet Revenge. Rachel and Fanny paled and gripped the railing tighter.

"Brace yourselves," Fanny called out right before the ship gave a mighty lurch. Now the Mad Monday was tethered to the Sweet Revenge and were being reeled in. The ship didn't slow down, but its path was altered and instead of making a close sweep past the pirate ship, they would be pulled together. After making sure the sails were secured, Abby dropped down onto the deck and tied a lifeline around her waist.

"Peanut butter," she demanded. Rachel and Fanny stared at her. "Don't look at me like that. When I ask fo' peanut butter, you get me some damn peanut butter!"

The two girls shared a look.

"Do it," Rachel said.

"Cabin girl," Fanny called. Eva hurried over. "Get some peanut butter."

Eva looked at Fanny as if she had grown a second head. "Wha-"

"Just do it!"

Eva flew down the stairs leading to the galley.

"What are you planning to do," Rachel asked.

"There's something in peanut butter that makes gum soft," Abby explained. "It even makes it less sticky. If we rub it into the strings of gum, they'll snap off and we'll be free."

"Abby," Rachel smiled. "That's genius!"

"It ain't nothing."

"Here," Eva ran back onto the deck and dumped four jars of peanut butter onto the deck. Abby grabbed one and touched the bill of her hat in salute.

"Ma'am, ma'am," then she stepped over the rail and grappled over the hull. Fanny turned to Rachel as two other girls caught hold of Abby's rope.

"What are we going t'do, Captain?"

"We can't do much while we're tied to the Sweet Revenge. The least we can do is cause trouble for them," Rachel leaned over the railing. "Viginia!"

The brunette peeked up at her from one of the portholes. Abigail, who hung from her rope, looked up at her too. "What?"

"Fire!"

_= = = I figured out why the pacing's off. It's because the point of view keeps on shifting and it's not clear when it happens. = = = _

BOOM.

Smoke billowed out of the portholes between the dangling girls. Several cracks echoed to them from the Sweet Revenge, followed by Virginia's cackle. The Mad Monday groaned. Abby hung from her rope and made her way over to a wad of gum. She opened the jar and let the cap fall, then dipped her hand into it and slathered a handful of peanut butter onto the strand of gum. Then she began the massage the peanut butter into it. Two other girls dropped over the railing in a similar fashion and began to follow Abby's example. All the while, the Sweet Revenge got closer and closer. Abby looked out and judged the distance between the two ships before shaking her head and returning to her work.

They weren't going to escape. Mary-Lou, with the help of the hamsters on board, would steer the ship away from the pirates, but the pirate ship was pulling her in. The Mad Monday began to make a wide circle around the Sweet Revenge and the radius was getting shorter and shorter.

Abby and the other girls on the hull steered clear of the portholes as the guns fired at will. Finally, Abigail took the strand she was working on and pulled.

SNAP.

The end of the strand fell and sank into the water, leaving behind a thick pad of gum on the hull.

SNAP. SNAP.

Abby grabbed onto the gum as the ship changed direction. The jar of peanut butter dropped into the ocean. One of the girls slipped and fell, but was saved by her lifeline.

BOOM.

The pirates had shot some more gum at the stern and the Mad Monday was caught again. Virginia, Kimberly and the other gunners looked out the portholes. Virginia swore again, then looked at Abby, who dangled from her rope below her.

"Can you take care of those too?"

Abby shook her head. "Ain't no more peanut butter."

"Oh, so now we're just going to sit here and let ourselves be pulled in," Virginia asked. "The way things are looking now, we are going to be boarded…from behind! You see what I did there?"

Kimberly sighed and put a hand over her face. "I believe it's the high oil content in peanut butter that makes it work on the gum," she said. "Maybe mayonnaise will work too?"

"Ooh, Sonya ain't gonna be happy with any of us after this," Abby muttered. "We cleanin' out her kitchen."

"But you hate mayo," Virginia pointed out. Abby gave a thoughtful pause.

"That's right. Maybe we should use the mayo. All of the mayo," Abby climbed up using her lifeline. When she was back on deck, she called. "Eva! Get some mayonnaise!"

Eva stared. "But you hate mayo."

"Just do it," Abby sighed and looked around. Eva disappeared from the deck again. Mary-Lou was also missing and Fanny had taken her place at the helm.

"Ahoy there, lassies," Stickybeard's voice reached them from the Sweet Revenge. "Seems we've caught ye in our trap."

"Stickybeard! By the power vested in me by the country of Springsthesia, I hereby place you under arrest," Rachel shouted. "For the pillaging of countless Springsthesia ships!"

"Aye, yer a brass one, aren't ye?" Stickybeard said. "Tell ye what: we'll have a duel. If ye win, we'll let ye go. If we win, we take yer vallables."

"Deal," Rachel said. "To the death?"

"Uh…"

"To the pain?"

"Are yeh completely touched in the head?"

"Ay, Stickybun," Abby shouted. "Long time, no see!"

"Do my ears deceive me? Is that Miss Lincoln?"

"I'll take your challenge," Abby smirked. "That is…unless you're still sugar-free?"

"Men," Stickybeard shouted at his crew. "Prepare the sugar!"

That was when everything went wrong. Something white and as large as a full-grown blue whale darted through the water between the ships. Then it made a u-turn and burst out of the water. The monstrous thing had a cylindrical-shaped body and a mouth that resembled the opening of a garbage disposal unit. It aimed right for the strands of gum that connected the two ships together.

"Lifelines," Rachel shouted. "Lifelines, now!"

The familiar monster took the strands in its mouth and splashed back into water. All the girls on deck flocked to the nearest mast, where the lifelines were tethered. Then the ship gave a mighty lurch and _moved_. Fanny was thrown to the deck as the helm spun. She reached up and cut the hamster power off.

The Sweet Revenge was moving too and it was gaining momentum. Abby back away from the railing and she ordered all the girls to hit the deck. The two ships crashed together like magnets and the stern of the Sweet Revenge rested against the side of the Mad Monday.

Most of the crew members of both ships were thrown to the crash site. Pistols and swords appeared in everyone's hands as they stared at each other in a stalemate. In the meantime, the monster towed both ships towards seas unknown. Both ships bounced off of the waves, no better than bathtub toys. All the movement created a nauseating effect.

Stickybeard lowered his cutlass and grabbed onto something to steady himself. "Arrgh, can we continue this some other time?"

Rachel stared, then put her pistol away. "What is that thing?"

"Er…me crew and I killed its mate some time ago. It's been lookin' fer revenge ever since."

"It's only looking for you," Rachel tried to stand, but another jump from the ship caused her to fall back down and slide three feet.

"In a manner o' speakin'. Don't think it has any eyes per se."

"Here," Abby tossed them a couple jars of mayo. They all stared at her. "Don't ever say Abby never helped you. Now we're even."

"Thank ye, lass," Stickybeard touched the brim of his hat with his good hand. "But what are we to do with it?"

"Rub it into the gum," Abby said. She laughed at their dismayed faces. "If you can do that to perfectly good gum, then you'll be free." Then she and a couple other girls took up the remaining jars and headed for the stern of the ship. They took up the loose slack of their lifelines with them and then they jumped off the end of the stern and dangled between the ship and the gigantic monster pulling them along. Sea spray whipped into their faces and they almost lost the mayo jars due to the violent motion of the ship.

It was hard to keep any footing while they were being towed like this. The ship just moved too much to do anything. Abby smeared mayo on her hand, then used it to dig into the wads of gum without being stuck. Then, when she was close enough to the base of the strand, she stuck the neck of the open jar into it. Mayo oozed out and covered the entire base.

"Ugh," Abby made a face and slipped. "Pull me up," she shouted.

_= = = I imagine that Mary-Lou likes mayo. = = = _

Back on deck, Fanny made her way down to Rachel, who sat on the steps leading up the helm. She looked rather green.

"Captain," she said. "What are we going to do after the gum breaks? How are we going to arrest Stickybeard?"

"Ugh," Rachel held her stomach. "We're going to let him go."

"Why?"

"Because he's got his own problems," Rachel groaned again. "Did you see that monster? It's _huge_. It's not gonna stop 'till it decimates that crew. I'd rather not mess with that, thank you very much."

Fanny grimaced at the look on Rachel's face, then fell down as the ship bucked. "Ow!"

Rachel gave a dark chuckle. "Are you okay?"

"I'm supposed to ask you that," Fanny sat up and rubbed the back of her head. "Are you alright?"

"Uh…"

"Captain," Virginia emerged from within the ship and made her way over to them by sliding against the wall. "When's the ship gonna stop moving like this? The guns almost killed us down there; they almost ran us into the deck!"

"I'm sorry, Virginia," Rachel said. She took a deep breath. "If it's any consolation, it's taking a toll on me too."

"Motion sickness," Fanny said. "Needs to lie down for a bit."

"Kuki's got medicine for that," Virginia suggested.

"Ooh, I should give that to her myself," Fanny said. "Tuck her in. Read her a bedtime story."

Virginia stared and Fanny grinned at her.

"Is there a goodnight kiss that goes with all that?"

Fanny began to laugh, then stopped when Rachel groaned again.

"Oh, come on," Rachel gasped. "How long does it take for a freaking gum strand to break?"

SNAP.

All the gum strands snapped off. The Mad Monday stopped bobbing and slowed down, but the Sweet Revenge kept on going until it disappeared over the horizon. The girls stared at it and looked at each other with relief on their faces.

"Hmm," Rachel looked at the spot where they disappeared, then stood up and leaned over the rail. "Huurrgh!"

_= = = Fanny, you didn't answer Virginia's question. It was a simple "yes" or "no" question too. = = = _

I really need to start writing these things in advance. But I'm already writing the other story in advance. In other news, I'm free for the summer! Yay! But I'm not really free because I'm taking classes over summer. I NEED TO GRADUATE ASAP. I need to graduate so badly, it's not funny. The education system over here's going to shit and I need to get out before the effects start to sink in.

In other, other news, I need to work on pacing. Like I said earlier, this might be because I'm bad at staying with the same point of view for more than three paragraphs. It's difficult to stay with one point of view when there's a lot of characters running around doing stuff. Like each other (coughFannyRachelcough). Oh my. I should get that cough checked out.

– Arty


	8. Missing Antenna

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = Hocus Pocus, Alakazam! This is now a revised chapter. = = = _

After all the commotion died down, all the officers and masters gathered around Rachel's desk to report. The lights, which were electric, but designed to look like oil lamps, were on and the setting sun was seen from the window. Rachel stood before the window and watched the sunset, her hands clasped behind her. Kuki made a low whoosing sound as she spun a model globe on its stand.

"Report," Rachel said. Fanny sat at Rachel's desk with an open notebook and she was ready to take notes.

"A couple of the gunners were hurt," Kuki said as she watched the globe slow down. "They were rammed by the guns, but they'll be okay."

"We no longer have any peanut butter or mayo," Sonya looked reproachfully at Abby, who shrugged. "But we still have Nutella."

"Yes," Virginia softly cheered.

"We have to dock soon though, ma'am," Sonya continued. "We're running low on food."

There was a stunned silence. Even Fanny paused in her task of writing. Rachel cleared her throat.

"Thank you, Sonya. Next?"

"It's gonna take a long time to clear the gum from the ship," Kimberly said. "Until it's cleared, the ship'll be off balance."

"Take as many people as you need to clean it off then," Rachel said. "How long will that take?"

"Three days, maybe five."

"Very well."

"The antenna is missing from the top of the third mast," Abby said. Fanny stopped writing again and looked up at her. Rachel turned around. "Abby and her riggers looked for it, but it's nowhere. It must've fell into the sea."

The antenna made it possible for the Mad Monday to communicate with other ships and the Springsthesia government. It also connected them to the Internet, the radio, and to the satellite in order to help them keep track of their global position. It was their lifeline. Without it, they would be sailing blind.

"There's no replacement on board," Rachel asked. Abby shook her head. Rachel sighed. "No big deal. We've sailed without it before, we'll do it again. We'll get a replacement when we dock. In the meantime, see if you can kludge one up from anything on board. Anything else? No? Okay ladies. You are dismissed."

The girls began to talk amongst themselves as they left the stateroom. Fanny and Rachel shared a look.

"I'm sorry, Fanny," Rachel said. "It seems your talks with Mister Drilovsky will have to be postponed."

"It's alright," Fanny closed the notebook and put away the pen. "That can wait. We have to…we have to find out where we are first."

They had been put into such a situation like this twice before. The first time it had happened, they had found themselves utterly lost. They had unwittingly crippled themselves by relying on technology and they would have probably died if not for a one-in-a-million chance meeting with Nigel and his old ship and crew. After that voyage, Rachel and Fanny took it upon themselves to learn the archaic art of Celestial navigation. They also used a significant portion of their pay in procuring the necessary tools to aid them. When they lost the antenna a second time, the girls had no problem with navigating the old fashion way for the rest of the voyage. At this point, navigating the ship themselves was no problem at all. Rachel and Fanny would just pinpoint their location again and navigate the ship back to the port. Then they would have extra food and everything would be good again.

Fanny gathered up the nautical charts while Rachel picked up a nautical almanac, the marine chronometer and a sextant. Then the two of them headed out to the deck. To lose the antenna now probably meant that either the repairmen who put it up had done a botched job and needed to be fired, or the ship was just messing with them. Oh well. It was a minor setback.

The girls ground to a halt as soon as they set eyes upon the heavens. It was already past sunset, so that they had a clear view of the stars. One lone lantern burned so that they could read the almanac and the charts they had brought with them.

Rachel put her things down, then handed the almanac to Fanny. She pointed up. "Is that star supposed to be there?"

"Uh, I don't know if we're lookin' at the same star, but I see one that's definitely not supposed t'be there," Fanny began to flip through the book. She found the right page and looked up again. "Oh no."

_= = = Great. If this keeps up then it'll be Donner Party time before you know it. = = = _

Miles across the ocean away, on the Yippernicus, Nigel, Lance and Thad were in the stateroom. Thad had just finished recounting his tale to Nigel and was in the middle of asking to stay aboard.

"Let me get this straight," Nigel said. "You went out to sea on a door in order to look for your fiancé?"

"That door belonged to a ship, Captain," Thad bristled. "I was on a ship. With a crew. We were doing very well until we were attacked. I don't know where all the others went, but I'm here now."

"So you're not stupid."

"…No," Thad's voice shook. Lance's brows went up in surprise. Nigel sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"My apologies. I've been trying to contact a particular ship all evening, but I haven't gotten any response. Now, as Lance told you, we are in the middle of a war. You are a civilian. We cannot take you with us."

"But I'll work," Thad pleaded. Nigel looked at Thad's hands, which were soft and pink. Thad hid his hands behind him. "I can work. I can learn."

Nigel stared at him, then shared a look with Lance. "Have him sign a contract."

_= = = It begins. = = = _

Most of the men on the Yippernicus went to bed at 8 pm, because they got up extra early. Only a few stragglers stayed in the galley. Patton propped his feet on the table and opened a report. Every week, Lance would print out the news and put the papers in a folder. This folder was passed around to the crew members who were interested enough to read what was happening. Patton usually got around to reading the contents of the folder in the evening.

While Patton read, he raked his fingers through the dark, thick stubble covering his face. Patton shaved every morning (except for weekends), but there would always be a heavy shadow at the end of the day. He couldn't help that and it was an unnamed pride of his to be able to sport such facial hair, but it was tedious at times. It wasn't the worst of it either. Disposable safety razors couldn't keep up; one only lasted a week. It was quite expensive.

In order to save money, Patton decided to invest in a straight razor kit. At first, it was worse than the safety razors. Patton would unintentionally cut himself or do a shoddy job of a shave. In those days, even though the rest of the crew members must have thought he looked ridiculous, none of them teased him about it, because he was ballsy enough to hold a blade to his face. After the better part of a year, Patton got the hang of it and nowadays, instead of having a shadow at around 3, it was pushed to around 5. Success.

Patton turned the page. Last week he had read that Summersia had entered alliance talks with Springsthesia. It would be good if there was an alliance. Summersians were a violent lot and their volatile tempers were legendary. They could take over the world through will alone if they wanted to. Patton guessed that they were waiting for an invitation into the war and they would come into it on the side of Springsthesia just because that meant more fighting.

"Where are your manners," Thad shoved Patton's feet off the table as he passed by. Patton glared at him, but he was oblivious. After a few moments, Patton returned to his reading.

As if to prove how bloodthirsty Summersians were, there was a warning about a particular ship, the _TEP Jet. _The Jet had gone rogue and was attacking any vessel it could, even Springsthesia ships. The ambassadors of both countries hoped that the actions of the ship and her crew would not affect anything much. Patton put the papers down. Either the crew of the Jet had no idea what they were doing, or they knew exactly what they were doing and they didn't care.

Patton put his feet back on the table and thought. There was really no one else on board who was interested in politics save for Lance and 20,000. They were smart men, but Lance's views ran similar to his and 20,000 was just pessimistic all the time. It wasn't very enlightening company. Bartie might have an opinion if he read any news, but he was too busy reading poetry. Poetry. That must be one hell of a girl he was trying to impress.

Patton sighed. Francine Fulbright, the first mate aboard the Mad Monday, had turned out to be a wonderful conversation partner. Every other day, ever since the voyage started, they'd use the communications terminals to talk with each other on anything they happened to read or hear about. At first, they conducted the talks as debates. They needled and heckled each other to the point of rage and even though Patton wanted to just give up and leave Fanny be, he kept on patching through with the intention of giving her a piece of his mind.

After a few "debates," they realized that the other had made some good valid points in their arguments. The volumes of their talks toned down, their words became less bristled and defensive, and the debates turned into regular conversations. Now they were still mostly political, but it wasn't odd for them to turn to other fields: artistic, social, spiritual, personal.

Patton would actually call right now, except the Mad Monday wasn't taking any calls. Perhaps something happened. They were at war after all. Patton shifted in his seat. Maybe it was just a technical malfunction? Nigel did tell him how the Mad Monday antenna was a temperamental thing. Oh, but what if something _did_ happen? Something bad; something that didn't have anything to do with the antenna. But Fanny was tough. If something did happen, then there was no way Fanny was going to just keel over. So Patton should just shut the hell up about this and relax.

Easier said than done.

Out of the corner of his eye, Patton saw Lee come into the galley, followed by Paddy Fulbright. Paddy was the only one besides Lance who carried a walking stick everywhere with him. It wasn't the same as Lance's cane though. Paddy's was made of blackthorn and it hung off the side of his hip, like how one would keep a sword. Patton had seen him wield it viciously in fights.

"See," Lee said. "He's not here. Relax."

The two younger men sat at Patton's table. Lee pointed at the folder and Patton grunted in dubious affirmative. Lee pulled the folder to him and Patton looked at Paddy, who looked rather forlorn.

"What's up with you," Patton asked.

"I caught him singing _'the Auld Triangle' _in the crow's nest," Lee said as he flipped to the sports page. "That's how depressed he is."

"So…"

"You know my sister had a stick like this once too," Paddy shook the cane and Patton winced. "This one's from my uncle and he got it from my grandfather, but hers was a present from my mum. She was fantastic at using it too. Lightin' quick. You know what that _tuilli_ did? He took it and threw it into the fireplace!"

"Uh…"

"The person who threw the stick into the fireplace was Mister Payne," Lee said as he read the funnies.

"Oh."

"Yeh know how long we went without seein' her? Six months. Six months with nothing. We wouldn't have known she was still alive if it weren't for Captain McKenzie. She was the one who told us what was happening."

"You would have been glad to get rid of Fanny a few years ago," Lee added.

"That was before she taught us how to box," Paddy said. He made a guilty frown. "And then I accidentally gave her a black eye."

"Accidentally, huh," Lee said. He closed the folder. "I remember that."

"She could have told our parents the truth," Paddy said. "I could have been grounded so bad. But she told them she got it while playing camogie."

"That was impressive," Lee said.

"That was _amazing_," Paddy corrected.

"Wait," Patton held up his hands. "What's all this about Fanny and Thaddeus."

"They used to be engaged," Lee explained. All the color drained from Patton's face.

"Whu…uh…"

"They're not anymore," Paddy lifted his chin in triumph.

"Oh."

"But now that guy's on the ship and I want to throw him back overboard," Paddy said.

"Don't do that," Lee said. "It'd make him feel so important."

"Hmm."

"Let me get this straight," Patton swept his hands over the table, as if he could see the timeline there. "Thaddeus and Fanny used to be engaged."

"Yeah."

"And they broke up."

"Yeah. She was the one who suggested it."

"And now Thaddeus is trying to look for her to get her back."

Paddy's face darkened. "That'd better not happen."

"Why did I now know about this?"

Paddy looked him up and down. "Why should you know about this at all?"

"Uhm," Patton paused, then took the folder and got up. "See you later."

"Wait," Paddy shouted. "Don't tell Fanny! What if she changes her mind and decides she likes him again? That _can't _happen."

"You mean she doesn't know her ex is here," Patton asked. Then he sighed when Paddy cringed. "You can't think she's flimsy like that. She had to dump the guy for a reason."

"It doesn't matter. The guy's got a freakin' silver tongue or something," Paddy said.

"Well, maybe your sister'll stick to her guns," Patton shrugged. He bid the two boys goodnight and made his way down to his bunk.

He couldn't sleep.

Of course, he and Fanny were only talking for around a month now. He didn't expect to know everything about her. But the fact that she had recently broken off an engagement was important, right? There was a story there; dark and mysterious and infuriating. What happened? Why hadn't Fanny brought it up before? Patton played back their talks in his mind and realized that she didn't even drop any clues to any past boyfriend. The one time they brushed against the topic of romance, Fanny had said something bitter that made them change the topic. Patton had brushed it off at the time as the remark of someone who just didn't believe in love. Now he realized that it was the remark of someone who tried it and didn't like it.

It didn't help that the Mad Monday was unreachable. But even if Patton could call, what would he say? _'Hey, Fanny. Your former fiance's onboard the Yippernicus and he's a complete jerkwad?'_ No. _'Hey, Fanny. Your fiance's looking for you and he wants to get back together?'_ Absolutely not. _'Hey, Fanny. Wanna get some coffee when the war's over?' _

Patton blinked. Where did that come from?

At any rate, there would be no coffee at all if Fanny was lost. Which she wasn't. She couldn't be. He was just being paranoid and they _were_ at war and goddammit, he was worrying over a girl. Patton groaned and rolled over on his bunk.

_= = = Bartie shouldn't even bother reading poetry. He should just play this song: _http : /www . youtube . com/watch?v=mAxUIjJrFKQ _on a boom-box and hold it over his head while standing under her window. = = = _

Around 2,000 words a chapter seems to be the limit of my patience for this story. I think I'll just shoot for that from now on. Now I shall stop talking because I have to write up that glossary.

– Arty

**Glossary: **

Celestial Navigation: The old art of determining one's location using the things in the sky, like the sun, moon and stars. It's more common to use the sun. Nautical charts, nautical almanacs, marine chronometers and sextants are tools used in this method of navigation.

Nautical Charts: Maps. These things also show how deep the water is in different areas and they also give information about the tides, currents and the earth's magnetic field. All the information one needs to know about that particular body of land and the surrounding coastlines in included on these charts.

Nautical Almanacs: Books that consist purely of the positions of the sun, moon, stars, planets and other things, for every hour of an entire year. The positions are expressed by numbers, columns and rows upon rows of numbers, so they look very intimidating to me.

Marine Chronometers: Clocks. They're very expensive and they're very complicated. It can be used to determine longitude. What makes them special is that they're not affected by the mocking motion of ships. Modern marine chronometers are digital and use fancy GPS. The chronometer on the Mad Monday is one of the older ones.

Sextants: There's a fair amount of math involved in Celestial Navigation. A sextant is a very delicate piece of equipment that measures the angle (not angel, lol) between two things. Usually, it's the angle between the sun and the horizon.

The Donner Party: Uhh…

_TEP Jet_: A galleon ship. That's all I'm giving you right now. The TEP does stand for something though.

_The Auld Triangle_: http (colon) /www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=HRubz1P8I6E

Tuilli: I'm…not going to tell you that one either. That is a bad word and I will not be teaching anyone new bad words. Because that is bad.


	9. Ships' Logs 2

Disclaimer: The Kids Next Door does not belong to me. I do not own any stake in the Kids Next Door franchise. I do not own any of the characters that appear in the Kids Next Door television show. I do not make any money off this story. Any other non-canon characters, however, are mine.

Additional Disclaimer: If, for any reason, I should mention anything else that does not belong to me (for instance: songs, television shows, internet webpages, other franchise/brand names, etc.) I shall have you know that I hereby disclaim any ownership of said things. I do not make any money off of those things. I also do not condone anything criminal or unlawful.

_= = = Damn, I need to get myself a new disclaimer. = = =_

**Yippernicus Ship's Log:**

I have always known that Captain Nigel was a distracted man. He's been distracted ever since we've started this voyage. That's alright; I've gotten used to that. Patton, the man who knows this ship and her crew so well, is the one I go to in order to keep this ship running smoothly. I really can't afford to lose him, but I have. Ever since communication with Captain McKenzie's ship was lost, I've lost him too. He shares the same tired eyes as Captain Nigel; he doesn't respond as well as he used to and he doesn't even eat as well as before.

I know that they are worrying about Captain McKenzie and her crew. I sometimes worry too, but I have realized that if they were struck down, we would have heard about it on the communications console. The sinking of a ship as famous as the Mad Monday would have made headlines all over the world. We haven't heard anything like that, so in this case, no news is good news.

Even the mood of the crew has changed. Young Paddy Fulbright disappears for long hours. When he finally appears, he looks as if he's been hanging around a morgue. Lee disappears too, but not for long. He has to be on deck in order to practice his yoyo art after all.

I thought that yoyos were limited, because their range could only extend to how long the string is. Not so. A simple modification and Lee can use yoyos that aren't connected to the ends of the strings. The world is his oyster.

If only I could be so careless. With Patton and Captain Nigel both beyond help, it falls to me to take command of the ship. If no one does, then this creaking tub will become our coffin. That cannot happen, but I fear it will. Especially when the crew is also so disgruntled. None of them have complained to me at all, but I hear whispers. Whispers aimed at Mr. Payne. They mock him, like how little boys would mock the one who showed up in too small shorts on the first day of school.

There has only been one altercation regarding Mr. Payne so far, involving Wally. It seems that each one takes the other's personality as an affront to nature. If it wasn't for a timely intervention from Hoagie, Thaddeus would have been pummeled. What disturbs me is that none of the other crew members bothered to break up the fight. No one. Not even Bartie, who had a front row seat to the entire thing. The issue wasn't fear; Bartie didn't look anything near scared. He just watched, as if he was watching tv.

Even though we are relieved of our privateering duties, we have been assigned to do some other dangerous job; tracking down the _TEP Jet_.

Regardless, Lee's training and Patton's distance won't have any effect on anything unless we catch up to the Jet. Bartie and Julius Verne are in the middle of tracking the ship. I cannot say if we will catch up; I have no experience with Summersian ships. I do think, however, that we won't be enough to overcome the Jet. If they have turned to piracy, then they must be treated as pirates and pirate ships are heavy with artillery. We need another ship to help up. I look at the radar screen and I see the ships in the area who can help us.

It is a mix of sloops, brigadines and galleons. Most of them aren't as decorated or experienced as I'd like. There is one ship who fits the qualifications; the _KND Puppy Tail_. The only problem is that it's under the command of the other Captain McKenzie. I've had the opportunity of meeting young Harvey in the day, when he was still a coxswain. The only person who might be able to match his arrogance is Mister Payne.

Excuse me, judging as if I know everything. I apologize.

The point is that I would rather not collaborate with young Harvey if I can help it. He might have learned stratagem from his sister and he might command a sloop of war like she does, but he is not Rachel McKenzie. If I had to run a battle against a dangerous ship like the Jet, I'd rather do it with help from her.

**End Ship's Log. **

_= = = Them girls gotta stop being so lost so they can whoop some a. = = = _

**Mad Monday Ship's Log:**

Something is wrong. Because the ship is running out of food, Sonya, Kuki and I go out on deck in the morning to catch fish. Every morning, the sun rises in a different spot. We're going nowhere. We backtrack, we go in circles. It's like we have no destination at all. It's not Mary-Lou's fault. In fact, I could kiss that girl on the mouth, but I won't, because no.

I say this because I have been taken off bathroom duty for two weeks. For half a month, half a glorious month, I am free and Mary-Lou's the one who will have to clean the bathrooms. I don't envy her at all. You'd think a bunch of girls would be clean enough, right?

That's not true. THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. I cannot emphasize that enough. Swear to God; one time a sink was covered in blood. I am not kidding. I wish I could say I was.

While Mary-Lou's down in bathrooms, Fanny's the one who's going to take her place at the helm. Something's wrong with her too. She won't tell me what's up, but I think she's worrying about Rachel.

Rachel hasn't been looking so hot lately. She's got these shadows under her eyes and whenever I come back to pick up the food trays, only half of the food is gone. I've asked Fanny about it and she says that she's been eating. It makes me want to scream! Rachel can't afford to skip meals; she's the captain! What if something happens? What if that huge sea monster comes back to eat us all? What if the pirates come back? Rachel will probably command us for a minute, then collapse because she's friggin' anemic. I think she thinks it's gonna save us food, but I'd rather she ate something.

This wouldn't be happening if we caught enough seafood in the net. Sonya says that even though we're running low on food, it usually isn't a big deal. We just catch enough seafood in the net to keep us going. She says she's done that countless timed before and through that, she's been able to keep the Mad Monday from docking for around an extra month. It's really no big deal.

But this time out, we haven't been catching near enough fish. Well, we're catching enough fish, but not all of them are edible. The inedible ones are green, with spongy flesh and waxy green skin. Sonya cut one open the other day just to see what was in it and she found nothing. No organs, no blood, not even any bones, just the same spongy flesh all over. Sonya has no idea what they are and she won't let us eat them, so we throw them back. But lately, we've been tempted to keep them.

"I just have to find something similar to them," she says. "Then I could cook them like how I cook the other thing."

Call me pessimistic, 'cause I don't think it's going to be that easy. At least the hamsters aren't running out of feed. Kuki says that they pack extra hamster food in the hold in order to compensate for the extra month of sailing that Sonya usually provides us.

It's all going to be useless without water.

I know, I know! I'm sorry I have to be all Debbie-downer on everything, but that's what's going on! When the hamsters aren't giving powers to the engines, they're giving power to the other parts of the ship: the thermostat, the refrigerators and freezers, the lights, and the water filters. Kimberly has admitted that the water filters are failing, because they're getting gunked up with something. They were designed to be sturdy; they work fine after taking in kelp and seaweed, and after taking in several fish of all sizes, so we should be fine in theory. In order for them to fail like this, they have to be bombarded with a lot of solid things for a long, long time. We're sailing through water, not mud, so she's stumped as to what's taking them out. Kimberly doesn't know how much longer they'll hold out, but they could fail tomorrow, so we might have to start conserving water.

I hate this. We need to stop being lost. We need to stop running out of food and water. Our captain needs to start eating again. We need and need and need.

**End Ship's Log. **

_= = = I feel so helpless…like I need to help them, but I can't because I'm the writer. = = = _

Mary-Lou, armored in a cloth mask, rubber gloves and a smock, dropped the business end of a plunger into a toilet and sighed. Why had she run? Everyone needed her to be at the helm. They needed her to do her duty and she just vanished. Just like that. Why did she run? Why did she hide? Mary-Lou wanted say that it had been because she didn't believe in violence, but that was a blatant lie. If it were true, then she would have signed up as a conscientious objector before she even stepped onto the Mad Monday a long, long time ago.

"_Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound/that saved a wretch like me,"_ Mary-Lou's voice was muffled through her mask.

"_Oh save your achin' for the end/you have more bowls to clean,"_ Virginia added. She leaned against the door and smirked at Mary-Lou, who straightened up and looked back at her.

"Did you just make that up on the spot?"

"Yeah. I guess I did. Nice huh?"

"I should suck that attitude right out of you," Mary-Lou raised the plunger and shook it at Virginia, who wrinkled her nose. "Betcha I could suck out your mind too if I tried hard enough."

"Gross, Mary-Lou. _Mary Mary-Lou Lou/gotta go poo-poo._"

"Will you stop it?"

"Okay, I'm sorry, but can't help myself! I mean, you _are_ cleaning the toilets."

"Yeah, well," Mary-Lou dropped the plunger back into the toilet. "It's what I get fer turnin' tail."

"You couldn't help it."

"I think I should be able to handle it by now," Mary-Lou stripped off her gloves and threw them into the bucket of cleaning products, then took off her mask. "I've been on the Mad Monday long enough."

"Mary…"

"No. Listen. Do you know what this means? No one can count on me anymore! This is awful. The only thing they can count on me to do is chores."

"Oh…That is pretty bad."

"Exactly."

"But, you know, I'd still count on you."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"You know what? All the times we've been on this ship, I never thought I was gonna die," Virginia said. "Never. I thought I'd be mangled and crippled and stuff at the most, but I've never thought I would die. And then Stickybeard attacked us. And suddenly we're stuck in the gun deck with all these guns. These thirty-two pound monsters, rolling and bouncing everywhere."

"Don't you tie them down so they don't move?"

"Yeah, when we're not using them, but we didn't get a chance to stop firing. The ship just started moving, you know? I thought I was gonna die. It's a miracle no one died. I don't blame you for running, Mary-Lou. It was a one time thing. You were there for us before and you'll be there for us again. So don't worry about it, okay?"

"But…"

"No. Stop," Virginia opened her arms. "Come here."

Mary-Lou walked over and gave Virginia a hug.

"Better?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Uhm, no offence, but you kinda need to take a shower."

= = = "_Mary Mary-Lou Lou/gotta go poo-poo." I'm going to draw Virginia saying that now. = = = _

Yay, another chapter! This story has a pulse after all. I've been trying to tighten up my stories, starting with dialogue (writing is srs bzness u guiz lyke u don't even kno) and voice. I realized recently that I love this story because it gives me the chance to work in different voices and all sorts of different people who talk about all sorts of different things. It's like a smorgasbord for my mind!

I'm afraid I haven't been getting Mary-Lou's accent right for the first part of this story. Sorry about that. In other news, it seems Virginia has ended up with my poetic tendencies. THIS IS AWESOME. For me. But I do not know if this is good for Virginia's character. Bartie's been mentioned to be brushing up on poetry too, but that's only so that he can woo someone.

**Glossary: **

Coxswain: He's a junior officer. He's like the Boatswain, only he doesn't get as much respect.


	10. On the Rocks

Captain Harvey and what was left of his crew stood on the deck of the Jet with their hands held high. All of them were dripping wet and were in danger of hypothermia. The air was full of smoke and snow and Harvey's eyes watered. The crew of the Jet stood around them with edged weapons and scuffed pistols. They all looked as if they haven't seen the inside of a proper bathroom for some time. Behind them, the KND Puppy Tail burned. The hull creaked and the boards split from the heat. The sails broke apart in pieces and the mast groaned as it toppled over, making the ropes snap. The other members of Harvey's crew screamed as they swam away from the wreck, from the shower of fire, from the mast. Some of them were already dying as the ocean sapped them of their body heat.

The Puppy Tail was a sloop of war, like the Mad Monday. It was never meant to see combat, however. It was to be used as a scouting vessel. At any sign of trouble, the Puppy Tail was to retreat and report back.

The crew of the ship was smaller than the crews of other ships to reflect its status as a non-combat ship. Harvey blinked furiously as his eyes dried out from the ash. If the Puppy Tail was truly meant to be a scout, then they would have let him keep Lee as Master Rigger. The man had remarkable vision. But he wasn't a part of his crew anymore; he worked for that Nigel Uno now. Nigel Uno and that frigate had enough power that they could do without Lee.

And now, _and now_, Harvey gritted his teeth as some of the Jet crew tried to shoot his men who were still in the water. Some of them made bets and who would get who. It was inane. He just had his ship debrined. It was good to go. And then the Jet had snuck up behind them in a blitz and they hadn't known because the sentry fell asleep. The sentry was Shaun Fulbright, who usually served as a cabin boy of sorts. Shaun stood three people away from Harvey, looking rather defeated and guilty. Harvey didn't bother to say anything to him.

"Captain on deck," one of the Summersians shouted. He retreated and another man swaggered up in his place.

"Hey," he said. A wicked-looking knife was tucked into his belt and his sunglasses slid down the bridge of his nose. "I'm Captain Steve. You've probably heard of me."

"No," Harvey shook his head. "Just your ship."

Everyone became quiet as Steve's eyes flashed.

"Well, well. You must be the captain of the Puppy Tail."

"I am."

"You know a good captain goes down with his ship, right?"

"Yes."

"You must not be a good captain."

Harvey took a deep breath and resisted the urge to punch Steve in the face.

"Walk with me, Captain," Steve said. Harvey was handcuffed and led away from his crew. "Did you know," Steve said as he led Harvey deep into the ship. "That Summersian ships do not run on hamster power like Springsthesian ships? They don't even run on guinea pig power."

"Then what do they run on? Steam?"

"They're human powered," Steve opened the door to one of the decks, which was filled with rows and rows of benches, manacles and oar handles of varying lengths. Some of the benches were already taken up with more of the Jet crew and some other people more ragged than the crew. The strangers were manacled to each other and to the bench by their feet.

"Other ships are powered by the crew," Steve continued. "But I think Summersians above this sort of work. Bring 'em in."

Harvey was shoved to the side as his crew was pushed into the deck. Steve's crew forced them to sit down in place of the Jet crew at the oars, then shackled them to the benches.

"You get to sit right over there," Steve pointed to the back. "So you can see everything."

"We are not galley slaves," Harvey shouted. He was dragged to the back and was shackled to his seat next to Shaun. Steve cackled from his place at the front.

"You better hope we hit up more Springsthesia ships, Captain McKenzie! The more food we're able to steal, the more scraps you'll be able to eat!"

Harvey's knuckles turned white as he gripped the oar handle and Shaun bowed his head. Steve wiped his eye.

"Now row!"

_= = = Steve, why you gotta be such a tool? Are you compensating for something? What's going on? = = = _

Chad and Maurice watched their fellow crew members snipe the men in the water. It was difficult to do, because the fire of the ship was going out, leaving them with little light. Snow obscured everything and ice was beginning to crust everything. Chad sighed and scratched the stubble on his chin.

"This isn't right. I signed up to fight in a war, not to be a pirate."

"Why didn't you say anything," Maurice asked. "You know, when the captain brought it up?"

"Are you kidding? You saw what he did to those other guys same as I did."

Maurice nodded. There were a good number of crew members who didn't want to become pirates and Steve just had them thrown overboard while they were sailing over shark-infested waters. Both Chad and Maurice independently decided to keep their opinions to themselves in order to save their skins.

"Maybe we could mutiny?"

"It's too late for that now. All the guys who'd fight with us are dead. We'd lose."

"Sabotage?"

"I thought about that too. But now we've got a whole bunch of hostages on board."

The two men were silent for a moment. Chad continued to scratch his chin.

"We're all gonna die," he said. Maurice didn't contradict him.

_= = = Ugh, what am I doing? Am I foreshadowing? I don't know! = = = _

Lance ran his hands over his head again. Hoagie, with the help of the machines in the sick bay, was able to speed up Lance's healing process. The stitches in his head were gone and so were the bandages and Lance was free to show off the hair that was growing in. His hair was still extremely short, practically the same length as stubble, but Lance still straightened his jacket as he looked in the mirror.

"I look good," Lance flashed a smile at himself before he left his room and made his way onto the deck. His jaw dropped.

It was snowing. The deck was slick and the railing and ropes were crusted with ice. Icicles hung from the sails. Lance coughed as the cold air invaded his lungs, then started as Patton threw things at him. It was a pair of boots, overalls and a thick overcoat, all waterproof.

"Oh," Lance struggled into the clothes, then jammed a beanie over his head. Being bald was cold. "Thank you, Patton. I take it we've sailed into Wintersdom waters?"

"Yeah," Patton scowled and gestured to the rest of the crew, who were bundled in warm, waterproof clothing. Most of them were using the hammers to bash the thick ice from crusting the ship and others heaved the loose chunks of ice overboard.

"Risky, isn't it?" Lance said as he watched Lee and his riggers try to bring the sails in. The men on the deck ducked as they were showered with icicles and other bits of ice that were shaken from the sails.

"Yeah," Patton said. "But it's riskier to keep the ice. All that extra weight'll sink the ship."

Lance went to the rail and peeked over. The black ocean churned about around them, but there wasn't any other ice out there that they were in danger of running into.

"Are you sure that the Jet is up here," Lance asked. "Summersian ships are heavy with armor to begin with. All this ice would be dangerous for them."

"No one ever said that the captain of the Jet was any smart," Patton grinned. "We'll all be fine as long as we don't run into any ice fields. If we do, we might get stuck and then we'll be stranded."

"That would be bad."

"Yeah. And then 20,000 would kill me," Patton laughed.

"Julius Verne?"

"Yeah, him."

"How do you know the Jet is here though?"

"We got a distress call from the Puppy Tail. About five hours ago."

"That's no good."

"It's good enough. We've got them on radar now. We're moving to intercept them."

"And that will take how long?"

"…Frigates' are slow to begin with."

"Yeah," Lance smiled as Patton tried not to scowl. "Carry on. I'll be in the stateroom."

_= = = Where it's nice and warm. = = = _

Rachel had been awake for around six days straight. They were rationing out water and food. They were still utterly lost. Rachel stood at the railing of the ship and looked down at the green, sludgy water.

A couple days ago, Sonya had finally broken in a tried to cook one of the strange fish in these waters. She didn't let anyone eat it, because it was so suspect and she decided to use herself as a test subject. She fell ill within fifteen minutes of eating the fish. Kuki made Sonya eat something else that made her upchuck the contents of her stomach, then dragged her to the medical bay.

Rachel rubbed her eyes and looked at her watch. It was around 6 am and the sentries in the crow's nest would be relieved by Abby at any moment. The water was abnormally thick and very green. Rachel had sailed over green water twice before. The first time was over sea plains and the second time was over kelp forests. The water was a little thicker over the kelp forests, but it was never like this. Rachel wondered if they were sailing through water at all and not just through some strange polluted bay.

"Captain, my captain."

Rachel looked over her shoulder to see Abby. The dark girl started.

"No offence, Cap, but you look like the dead."

"Thanks, Abby," Rachel turned back to the sea. "I'm sorry. I'm lost. I've lost us all. We have no tech to guide us and all the stars are wrong."

Abby scanned the sea around the ship. "The water's green."

"And stupid thick," Rachel rubbed her eyes again. "What the hell? This is a nightmare."

Abby tied a life line around her waist and grappled over the side of the ship.

"Don't drink any of it," Rachel called out after her.

"I know," Abby said. She neared the surface of the water and whipped off her hat, then used it to scoop up some water. She frowned. Instead of getting a capful off soupy…whatever, she had come up with a hatful of asparagus.

"Asparagus," Abby whispered as she emptied her hat. She reached down and dipped her hand in the water. "Asparagus!"

"What?"

Abby whooped and put her hat back on. "Abby knows where we are, Captain!"

"…You do?"

"Sure do! Why don't you sit back and let Abby take care of everything?"

Rachel opened her mouth, then closed it. "Okay. Okay? Really?"

"Yeah," Abby climbed back up onto the deck. "Don't worry! We'll be back at port before you know it."

"Wow," Rachel smiled and started to walk back to the stateroom. "Okay. Uh…yeah. Alright. I'll just leave it to you then…I'll just…" Rachel crumpled onto the deck.

_= = = Suddenly, Rachel is anemic. = = = _

And of course she would be, if she hasn't eaten anything or slept in a week. That's what she gets.

Sorry for the delay in updating, guys. Writing is serious business to me like you don't even know (you might have figured that out by the reviews/critiques I give on this site). So I take time off now and then for hobbies. Hobbies are important to me. So yeah, review if you like. Review if something irks you. Just…review.

Thanks,

Arty

Glossary:

Debrined: Barnacles and other stuff can attach and grow on the hull of the ship. Over time, this stuff would weaken the wood, make it rot and create leaks. In order to keep the barnacles from damaging the hull, the ship would be hauled completely out of the water and the barnacles would be pried off. The process of taking the barnacles off is called Debrining.


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